Wayne Rooney, the Manchester United and England footballer, has picked up an injury at his Doctors Private Surgery, and will miss the next two matches for his team.
Dr E. Coli's nurse, Gaye Hooker explained to our reporter what took place in the Doctor's consulting room:
"After I'd arranged to meet Mr Rooney in a hotel bedroom, and we'd agreed on the price, the Doctor examined Mr Rooney, and advised him that he had contracted Prostatitis."
She adjusted her skirt, wiggled her bum, and continued:
"Well, he went bonkers! He stood up and shouted 'You lying git! I've not been with a prostitute for over a week, and every-time we took precautions..' his voice got a little muffled then, but I picked up the words, thousand quid a bonk, England, Coleen, camera and wanker."
She adjusted her mascara, and continued:
"It took all our efforts to stop his tantrum, but eventually we managed to get the message to him that Prostatitis is an inflammation of the prostate, and not a prostitute!"
"It was during this altercation that Mr Rooney slammed his fist down on the desk, and picked up his injury. The Doctor is now treating the broken finger nail daily, and has advised Mr Rooney not to play football until it is completely healed. Because next matches are to be televised and there would be a danger of his sticking his broken finger nail finger at the camera's."
There was no comment from his manager Alex Ferguson.