Written by P.M. Wortham
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Friday, 10 February 2012

image for Madonna Swears Off Future Stage Use of Stiletto Heels
5 inch FMP's are gone from Madonna's closet.

Following a near catastrophe on set of stairs during the half time show at Superbowl XLVI, Madonna has sworn to never wear 5 inch stiletto heels in any future performance.

The 53 year old mother of three is no stranger to flamboyant stage costumes or ridiculously long heels, but some critics think it's time for Madonna to play the part of mature musical icon rather than "sex kitten pop star".

German music critic, G√ľnter Weiss, believes that Madonna still has more to give, but perhaps not in the biblical sense. "Ya. There was a day when I used to cream my jeans over one of Madonna's stage performances. Now, it's all just a little creepy to think of her as a hot teenager singing 'Like a Virgin' in Shtoop-Me-Pumps".

For Madonna, the elimination of the super long heels may be a frugal and health-wise decision. "Her insurance saw a pretty dramatic decrease when she made that decision, and she's much less likely to break an ankle", says Madonna's personal assistant, Ginny Williams. "And, she gave me all her shoes!" The four foot, ten inch Williams seemed more excited about the shoes than Madonna's health.

"She is still attractive and I love her", says Weiss. "Now that we're both more mature, I picture us together wrapped in blankets next to a fire, rather than shtooping like teenage rabbits in the back of a Lebanese taxi", says Weiss.

Her career and stage performances will continue, but perhaps while wearing something a little less risky with better grip. There were reports that the Nike Corporation was working on a specialty shoe for Madonna performances. It was tentatively named the "Virgin Flat".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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