Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 8 February 2012

image for Russell Brand Says He Doesn't Care How Much Weight Christina Aguilera Has Gained He'd Like To Engage Her In A Bit of Mattress Merriment
FuFi Fondue's twin sister FiFi Fondue manages his Haven of Hair Salon in Beverly Hills. (Photo by Charlie Sheen).

BEVERLY HILLS - Russell Brand was in town having his hair tended to by his favorite hair stylist FuFi Fondue, owner of the famed Haven of Hair Salon in Beverly Hills.

As he sat in his chair talking to FuFi he heard a song by Christina Aguilera playing on the radio. Russell told Fondue that Christina is one of his favorite singers next to Britney Spears.

FuFi giggled adding that it was quite a coincidence because his favorite singer is Britney Spears next to Christina Aguilera.

Brand replied, "Ya don't say mate" and he gave him a high five. But apparently it was a little too hard as Fondue lost his balance and knocked over the hair curlers tray causing them to roll towards the next hair station.

The hair stylist in the next station Mr. Tabby, who makes Richard Simmons looks like an NFL defensive lineman, started yelling and screaming as if the hair curlers were made out of asbestos, mercury, or hydrochloric acid.

FuFi told him to shut up before some of the salon patrons started getting all upset and breaking out in hives and stuff.

Mr. Tabby kept on screaming and actually getting much louder. Finally Fondue pranced over to where he was and he hit him on his botoxed forehead with his extremely expensive Paris Hilton Designer Purse.

Mr. Tabby fell to the floor and looked like a gay halibut flopping on the deck of an Alaskan fishing boat.

Brand ran over to him and picked him up. He asked him if he was alright. Mr. Tabby looked into Brand's eyes and replied that he really felt that he needed some CPR.

Russell hollered out for FuFi to go outside and see if he could find some homeless guy to come give Mr. Tabby CPR.

Suddenly all of the other hair stylists and patrons in the salon started chanting "RUS-SEL! RUS-SEL! RUS-SEL!"

Fondue told him that he was so impressed with the way he had saved Mr. Tabby that he was not going to charge him the customary charge of $285.

FuFi then asked Brand if he had been dating anyone since he announced his divorce from Katy Perry. Russell said that he and Kate Gosselin had just attended Heidi Montag's Super Bowl Party at her $8.9 million Slovakian-style mansion Plastic Land Manor.

He then confided to FuFi that although Kate "The Great" is one of the best vavavoomers he has ever done the horizontal hula with he would love to go out with Christina Aguilera.

Russell winked and added that he does not care how much weight Aguilera has gained he would sure love to engage her in a bit of mattress merriment.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: It is no secret that Russell Brand goes through women like water goes through a handkerchief. Pico de Gallo of 'Tittle Tattle Tonight' wrote recently that Brand has a revolving door in his master bedroom.]

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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