Written by Jack Goff
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Tuesday, 7 February 2012

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Las Vegas, NV - Gold & Silver Pawn which has been showcased on the History Channel in the popular TV show Pawn Stars, has just purchased Tom Cruise's personal Diary from Nicole Kidman. Reportedly this diary was written during Nicole's and Tom's 11 year marriage between 1990 - 2001.

According to Chumlee, one of Pawn Stars favorite cast members and worker at Gold & Silver Pawn was the one who actually worked out a deal with Nicole Kidman to purchase Tom's diary. We asked Chumlee to explain to us how this purchase from Nicole went and he had this to say, "When I first saw Nicole walk into our pawn shop I immediately thought back to that Batman movie that had Cat Woman in it, but then I realized that it wasn't Nicole in the cat suit, it was Michelle Pfeiffer. Anyway, Nicole walked up to the counter where I was eating a submarine sandwich and placed a pink heart shaped diary on the counter in front of me." Chumlee continued by saying. "I asked her (Nicole) what this was and she told me that it was Tom Cruise's personal diary from when they were married. She also said that the real reason why Tom and her got divorced is inside of it. So naturally I asked her to show me."

Chumlee spent several minutes explaining that Nicole turned to a page dated, July 3rd, 1999 and allowed him to read it. Chumlee said this about what he read, "I couldn't really believe what I was reading. Tom wrote about how it was his birthday but he didn't feel man enough to celebrate his birthday the same way he has previously." Chumlee continued by saying, "In one part of Tom's diary, Tom talked about how he has been having Sexual fantasies involving Gene Hackman ever since they were in the 1993 movie The Firm."

The Spoof was able to get a copy of the July 3rd, 1999 diary entry out of Tom Cruise's diary. Bellow is the text from that page"

"July 3, 1999
I have been feeling really down today, I'm not sure why. I don't think Nicole is attracted to me anymore, and to be honest I'm not all that attracted to her anymore either. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife but the spark just isn't there. I have tried to get the spark back into our relationship but for some reason my body just won't respond to her sexually. We have tried things like sex toys, lingerie, and even discussed inviting that girl from Dawson's Creek, Katie I think, into a threesome.

I think my problem is that I can't get Gene Hackman out of my mind long enough to become aroused by Nicole. It seems like the second Gene pops into my head, I become all hot and bothered. I think it all began in 1992 when we were working on the movie, The Firm, together. This is so confusing to me, but I don't know how to handle it.

I'm just so confused and I have to admit to myself that I have a secret, and that secret is that my flame for Gene burns brighter than my flame for my Nicole. I'm just so confused and I long for the comforting arms of Gene when I need to cry myself to sleep. I need him so much right now.

-Tom"

Chumlee, told The Spoof that they used a handwriting expert to verify that Tom Cruise was in fact the author of this diary. According to the handwriting expert, Tom Cruise's handwriting and the handwriting found in the diary is a near perfect match. The expert also explained that any inconsistencies between the two can be easily explained being that Tom was obviously emotionally compromised when writing these entries.

Gold & Silver Pawn has reportedly paid more than $30,000 for this diary. They are betting that it will sell for at least twice that to a hardcore collector of celebrity memorabilia.

Jack Goff, reporting from Las Vegas, NV.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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