London - Four fake 'knights' have been given hefty bungs to get them to perform at the Diamond Jubilee concert in June.
Agents for Sir Cliff Richard, Sir Mick Jagger, Sir Elton John and Sir Tom Jones said today they'd initially turned down the chance to perform in case their clients were ridiculed as senile royal poodles.
However Fred 'The Shred' Goodwin's recent demotion from a Knight Bachelor to plain old Mr G managed to persuade the geriatric rockers to see sense.
Now the sexagenarian quartet will be joined on stage by Dame Vera Lynn (107), Susan Boyle (89) and a hologram of Zsa Zsa Gabor for the grand finale rendition of Land of Grope - er...Hope! - and Glory.
Artistes will have the opportunity to have a free anti-dementia implant inserted one month before the concert kick-off "to stop them accidentally messing up on stage".
It's thought the medication is effective on both vocal chords and colostomy equipment that often fails fafter a mere 20 minutes' performance on-stage.
Kylie Minogue is a case in point.