Written by neandercarl
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Topics: church, Airport

Monday, 27 February 2006

image for TV's "Airport" Star In Blasphemy Outrage
SPAKE: Homosexual? Pope says "Yes".

CAMP television presenter Jeremy Spake, who found fleeting fame as the breakout star of BBC1's docu-soap Airport, has angered church groups and Christians worldwide by majestically proclaiming himself as "bigger than God!". He made the outburst whilst attending a Star Trek convention in Phoenix, Arizona whilst on the American leg of his World Tour. After riling up fans by charging $30 per autograph, he demanded a large portion of sticky toffee pudding and, verbatim, "at least a hundred fish fingers". Unfortunately, there were no catering facilities at the convention, and Spake went into a blind rage, during which he made the controversial claim that he was a bigger name than the Creator and Father of the World.

Church leaders have reacted with anger to the outburst. New Archbishop of Canterbury and gay rights activist Dr. Rowan Williams was said to be "fuming" as he puffed on a "cigarette" after hearing "the" news. The Brian Blessed lookalike said "I don't know who this Jeremy Spake character thinks he is, but until "Jeremy Spake's Toughest Job In Britain" sells as many copies as The Bible, I don't think he has any right making such a claim. He is ridiculous, and I don't care much for him at all". The Pope simply said "Tecum, benedictus, dominus maximus". Wise words indeed. When asked whether he thought Spake was gay, the Pope said "Yes".

In addition to his knocks on Christianity, Spake also went on record with his opinion that he has a larger penis than George W. Bush, and a curious claim that Hollywood actor Jack Nicholson "is dead" during his tirade. He also cancelled subsequent tour stops at Philadelphia, Wyoming and New York to publicise his book and his forthcoming sexual magnetism DVD, "Jeremy's How To Get Your End Away".

In the time since the outburst, it has been reported by a local Canadian newspaper that Jeremy Spake has contacted an incurable disease during the final stages of the World Tour in Toronto. A fitting punishment, some may say, to such blatant arrogance. However, we at The Spoof feel that there is a lesson to be learned from Jeremy Spake's impending death. Respect God, man.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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