Many celebrities are being stalked, not by the typical autograph hunter but by an international group of highly trained poachers. Their sole aim is to kill when a chance arises and to harvest their lucrative treasures.
Human ivory, is found in the mouths of celebrities, becoming increasingly rare as more stars opt for a mouth of false teeth to save time on photoshopping, so the price has risen dramatically. Some of those who are in danger are Cilla Black, John Bishop, Billie piper and the two remaining Bee Gees.
"A chess set made from the teeth of Maurice Gibb, commonly known as Maurivory, recently sold at auction for over £105,000 so it's pretty high stakes," said a Professor Ceo Blubber, from the Celebrity Rehoming and Awareness Project.
Next on the list comes Jaw Calcium, used in many different Eastern medicines and tonics, it is found in quantity in the chins of a certain type of person, unfortunately for them their jawline gives them away. The C.R.A.P have rated them as 5*, the highest risk group, predicting extinction within the next 100 years. David Coulthard, Bruce Forsyth, Reece Witherspoon, Will Young and most prized of all, the square headed Fabio Capello all have 24 hour protection and GPS tracking collars fitted.
"If we don't do something now all these stars will be dead in a 100 years. Can you imagine that?" continued Blubber.
Also at risk are the orange skinned type, once dried and powdered, it is believed to possess special qualities which makes it useful in the treatment of cystitis and thrush in pregnant women. In some countries it is even considered an aphrodisiac.
"Jessie Wallace was recently herded down a side street by three poachers, their intention was to kill and bone her. It was fortunate that a ranger heard her pig like squeals and literally saved her skin. Peter Stringfellow is another fortunate to be alive, his hair is in as much demand as his skin. That's the reason he has a lap dancing club, safety in numbers, with so much fake tan and badly damaged hair he can blend in, just like an octopus."