Rumours suggesting that ageing rocker Ronnie Wood 98, won't be ageing anymore. An undercover video recording has appeared on the internet, filmed by a reporter having an "off the record" conversation with a former employee of Wood's.
Anthony Beenflikker, is a 63 year old waste operative from Derby and according to him, the guitarist has been dead since the mid-seventies, after one too many sherbet dips.
Everyone knew that the beaky rockstar had one of the biggest noses in showbiz and according to Beenflikker he would often over-indulge, this one time it was with fatal results.
"He was a funking dead man in platforms, with enough sherbet in his system to keep an office of bankers going for a month. We knew he was due royalties and he'd be joining the Stones in a few months, but dead he was worth fuck all, we had to work this one out and fast.
"Luckily for us we managed to hire Worzel Gummidge for a while ....... then the useless twat went and died on us. Was always something weird bout him, he always had two little kids hanging around, but still, he could play a few chords, looked the part and at least the bairns were always smiling "
In the video he starts to appear a little on edge as he carries on with the next part of his story. He is seen to talk in between nervous puffs on a hand rolled cigarette.
"When Pertwee died we had to use the real Ron again, his body was round at Jo Wood's house, it was fucked, Jo was a trained puppeteer and we sometimes used her when Worzel went AWOL with the children. This was at the time most people thought the Stone was a raging alcoholic, haha, that was baby oil. to keep him moving. Jo used to operate him, so when everyone thought he was pissed, it wasn't him, it was Jo, she liked the sauce a little too much. Because Jo was always drunk, Ronnie was neglected and dried out a lot during this time ........and the papers started to notice"
"With the way things went in the next few years, new robotic technology enabled us to fully motorise his body, that meant we could let Jo retire to her wine tasting groups. Simple really, we just released a story saying they were getting divorced"
He finishes off by describing what effect the rock'n'roll lifestyle has on your skin, even if you're dead already.
"All went well till about April 2006 when his skin had started showing signs of serious wear and we chose to hire a Russian specialist, an expert in her field, employing the same methods they use on Lenin and Bruce Forsyth's bodies. Fortunately for us, she was young and fairly attractive so people wrongly assumed her and Ron were a couple. We just went along with it. She was expensive, but Ronnie is a multi million pound business and that's all that matters.."
Shortly after this interview took place, Mr Beenflikker was found dead, astride his toilet with injuries consistent with the practice of erotic asphyxiation. Now nobody knows for certain, but it may appear to some, that there were people who had reason to silence Beenflikker before he said too much. Was that the reason or was he just a lying deviant who found normal wanking somewhat unrewarding?