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Saturday, 25 February 2006

image for Idol Contestant Expelled for Boring Lifestyle
Evictee Bobby Bennett

An Interview with American Idol Evictee, Bobby Bennett

(DENVER) Last Thursday, fans of the hit Fox TV show American Idol watched as Bobby Bennett crooned his grand finale after America's verdict. He was supposedly voted off the show after viewers across the continent watched his Wednesday night performance. Three others were also evicted during Thursday's episode, where performances from Tuesday and Wednesday were briefly highlighted.

An anonymous source within the American Idol compound in Los Angeles has now leaked that Bennett was not "voted off"_ like the other three -- the results were tampered with by producers after Bennett failed to produce anything controversial in his past or present that could be used to hype the show in the coming weeks.

"We don't always use the fireworks," said Anna, not her real name. "Usually, we use it at the beginning to start everything off with a bang, but we'll also air it during the middle when the ratings start to sag. The so-called Brittenum controversy proved to be such a real winner for us, and so we kept the ball rolling this week by spreading the news about the provocative layout Becky O'Donohue did with her twin sister, Jessie. That was absolute genius! Our website was nearly floored by the traffic seeking out anything and everything they could about Becky. We were going to run on that for another week or two, but the Extra TV show aired it a day late, and poor Becky got evicted. By Monday, she'll be forgotten, so it was Bobby's turn under the microscope. We needed something on him to leak, and frankly, there just wasn't a darn thing!"

Bobby Bennett, back home today in Denver, not only confirmed the story, he faxed to us a transcript of a meeting he secretly recorded when producers confronted him about not keeping his end of the bargain. "They were really pushing for me to be gay, or something along those lines. (A producer) kept asking me about that, and even asked if I had ever been an escort, or ever used the services of one! I kept telling them I hadn't, and that it wouldn't be such a good idea anyway, considering the controversy poor Clay Aiken is suffering from right now, and that's when they hit me with the clincher. They said there was no way I would win the competition, and being controversial was the only way I could provide entertainment -- so, that made it okay."_

Our calls to Fox went unanswered, except for a call from their attorney threatening legal action if we mentioned any Idol producer, or employee by name, or released any transcripts or other materials to back up our allegations.

So, we asked Bobby a few questions ourselves:

"You're not gay, bisexual, or have any peculiar sexual habits?"_

"No,"_ Bobby replied.

"You've never posed nude or half-nude for any publication?"

"I was in the summer edition of Mountain Music Bazaar, but I was fully clothed."_

"You've never committed any crime . . ."_

"Heck, no!" Bobby interrupted us.

"No identity theft, no assault and battery . . ."_

"No!"_

"No shoplifting . . ."_

"Never."_

"Traffic violations?"_

"Well, I did get a ticket last year . . ."

I encouraged him to continue.

"Well, I was parallel parking at the County Court House, and I accidently left my rear left fender five inches outside the parking zone."

"What were you doing at the Court House?" we asked, thinking we still might have a story.

"Registering to vote."_

So, there you have it, America. Bobby Bennett was thrown off the show for being . . . boring.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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