Written by aydi
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Wednesday, 1 February 2012

Nicole Kidman has spoken out for the first time about her failed marriage to the strange Scientologist and closet queen Tom Cruise. She describes in detail the humiliation and odd requests that actor Tom would make to her every day.

Poor ginger Nicole was not allowed to wear high heels and Tom even made her walk in the road, whilst he walked on the pavement so that he looked taller.

Little did the Aussie know when she accepted his marriage proposal that things would take a turn for the worse almost overnight. "A made up religion is one thing but stealing my legs is a different matter altogether " she explained whilst fighting back the tears.

She tells how often after she went to bed, tiny Tom would make excuses to stay up, saying things like he wasn't tired. Nicole just assumed it was his homosexuality which made him reluctant to join her in the marital bed, but it was something far more sinister than that.

Often Nicole couldn't get to sleep straightaway and would lie in the dark listening to the strange noises coming from downstairs. Regularly she would hear a whistle or a shout and then the gentle swing of the catflap, as a regular visitor and fellow shortarse, Dustin Hoffman, slipped quietly into Tom's backdoor.

What she didnt know about at the time was that there was a cruel plan being hatched. Tom was conspiring with Hoffman to steal her legs.

"Thinking back now it was pretty obvious something was going on but I was unaware of what that was at the time. I thought it a bit strange that he asked me not to shave my legs, he said I was pale and it would stop me getting skin cancer from the hot Californian sun."

The truth was that Cruise wanted her legs for himself and as he was filming a sex scene in a forthcoming movie, he needed them to be a little more hirsute than the actress preferred.

The plan was that the diminutive duo would slip some sleeping tablets into Nicole's can of Fosters, wait for her to fall unconscious, then remove her limbs, before transplanting them onto Tom's torso. As medical knowledge was not their forte they enlisted one of their close friends to do the surgery. Most would know him as Goose in Top Gun but he also did a stint as a doctor on ER, so was certainly qualified to do the deed as far as Dustin and Tom were concerned.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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