Written by P.M. Wortham
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Tuesday, 31 January 2012

image for Brazilian Blowout Claims American Victim, Ru Paul Now Straight
Straightens more than hair

The wildly popular and medically controversial hair straightening treatment in South America has produced some shocking side effects, including the turning of television drag queen, Ru Paul, from gay to straight.

Famous for his ultra glam look on stage or camera, Ru Paul, who is normally bald, never met a big curly wig he didn't like. His lack of hair led others to doubt the story at all, claiming that he wouldn't have any hair available for the treatment. "But that wasn't the hair he wanted to straighten", says Brazilian salon owner, Gina Valejo. "Mr. Paul was looking to create the Roman comb down look, a little south of the border, if you know what I mean".

While the ingredients in the six month hair straightening treatment contain known carcinogens, the other life changing side effects are just becoming visible. "We never expected the chemical ingredients to have this effect", says hair product manufacturer Juan Martinez. "We just wanted to straighten hair, that's it".

Following the treatment, Ru Paul was seen hitting on the women in the salon. Elsewhere, other indications of radically changed lifestyles and behavior were also being reported. Paula Abdul, who had received the treatment on a recent visit to Sao Paulo was now acting uncharacteristically normal. Demi Moore has reportedly been receiving the treatment for years, which may explain years of strange behavior. President Obama, who took the treatment to appear more mainstream, was thinking about cheating on his wife, taking big money from a few lobbyists, paying no more than a 15% tax rate, and claiming that he's now a conservative republican.

"I feel responsible somehow", says Martinez. "Perhaps once sales slow down, I shall pull the product off the market".

In a late breaking story, LeBron James, who appeared in public yesterday with straight hair, reportedly read a long apology statement to the city of Cleveland and announced plans to return regardless of how much of a pay cut he needs to make.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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