Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Sunday, 29 January 2012

image for Ian Somerhalder, Taylor Lautner, and Lady Gaga To Star In "The Attack of The Zombie Emoticons"
Lady Gaga wearing a dress that is made out of 8,917 ostrich feathers. (Photo by Clay Aiken).

NEW ORLEANS - Lady Gaga performed before a sell-out crowd at The Ooh La La Convention Center in the city known as The Big Easy.

After her concert, Lady G spoke in her dressing room with Tequila Tallyho of Left Coast Mirror Magazine.

Miss Tallyho has interviewed such noted celebrities as Charlie Sheen, Pippa Middleton, Pamela Anderson, and the much-tattooed Kat Von D.

Lady Gaga was asked about the The Attack of The Zombie Emoticons which she will soon begin filming along with Ian Somerhalder and Taylor Lautner.

The Lady, as Vice-President Joe Biden calls her, took a sip from her bottle of Southern Comfort and remarked that she would almost be willing to do the film for free.

Tallyho smiled and asked her if she had ever met either of the two actors before. Lady G thought for a moment and then replied that she had met Somerhalder briefly last summer at Derek Hough's Casa Cha Cha Cha where he had thrown a summertime party for President and Mrs. Obama.

She then said that she had met Taylor Lautner when he was dating Miley Cyrus right after he had ended his long time relationship with Lily Collins.

Lady G said that Taylor and Miley were standing in line at a G-Spot of The Barbaric Banshee Band concert in Redondo Beach.

Tallyho asked the songstress if she could talk a little about the upcoming movie. Gaga replied that the movie is being directed by Bandini Borrapelli, who directed The Gay Barbarians Vs. The Vampires of Vancouver.

In the film Lady Gaga will play the part of Agnes Wheatcracker, an unemployed pole dancer. One night around midnight Wheatcracker meets Hoyt Fantucker played by Ian Somerhalder and his cousin Winchester Nightgarden played by Taylor Lautner at a Burger Bitch Restaurant in San Francisco.

The three soon become close friends and contrary to what Wheatcracker's grandmother Babushka McZucchini, 84, thinks the trio does not engage in a menage-a-trois AKA a threesome.

Lady Gaga pointed out to Miss Tallyho that it certainly was not because she did not try to get the director to have the writer write it into the script.

She grinned as she took another swig from her Southern Comfort bottle and said that she would have loved for her character to have engaged the two Southern cousins in a bit of good old-fashioned mattress merriment.

Lady G said that according to the movie script, the trio soon decide to go camping at California's Yosemite National Park.

And one night as they are sitting around a campfire roasting chestnuts and listening to a Rolling Stones CD they are suddenly attacked by a gang of crazed zombie emoticons.

Without giving away too much of the plot the highly inebriated Fantucker, Nightgarden, and Wheatcracker literally kick the bejeebers out of the zombie emoticons who are soon seen hightailing it at an exceptionally high rate of speed for the Nevada border.

Lady Gaga disclosed that as the closing credits begin to role and the film's theme song is sung by Ke$ha, the trio will be seen quietly slipping into Wheatcracker's pup tent for what director Bandini Borrapelli calls a bit of obligatory vavavooming.

The motion picture will be filmed on location in Lima, Peru, which has a forest that greatly resembles Yosemite National Park down to the petrified woodchucks, woodpeckers, and beavers.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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