Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 26 January 2012

image for Heather Locklear Told To Check Herself Into A Rehab Clinic or Risk Being Deported
Heather shown in her backyard pool. (The photo was taken by either Charlie Sheen or David Spade).

LOS ANGELES - Reports out of LaLaLand are that the much troubled actress Heather Locklear has been told that she needs to make arrangements to enter into a rehab clinic.

A close, unnamed friend informed Bedroom Pillow Talk that the 50-year-old Locklear has just not been herself since the upcoming marriage to her fiancé Jack Wagner fell through.

The close, unnamed friend who asked BPT to use the fictitious name Miss Pensacola Lulu Baconbush (?) stated that lately the blonde actress has been doing some extremely strange things.

When asked to explain she said that for one thing Heather has been singing the words to the Beatles song "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds" backwards.

Miss Baconbush stressed that in the seven years that she has known Heather that she has never once heard her sing a Beatles song, much less sing one backwards.

She also noted that Locklear positively hates asparagus and yet she has actually been putting it in her bowl of strawberry ice cream which she has at least six times a day.

The close friend also divulged that Heather recently went into the Internet and purchased a 15-CD set titled Learning How To Proficiently Speak Navajo in Just Four Short Months.

Miss Baconbush told Bedroom Pillow Talk's Summersetter Faxx that Locklear has even purchased an Indian loincloth, Indian moccasins, an Indian bra, and an authentic Hunkpapa Sioux Teepee that sleeps six.

Meanwhile Locklear's ex-fiancé, Jack Wagner has stated that he is glad to be out of the relationship because he was starting to have nightmares in which he kept dreaming that he was a member of General Custer's 7th cavalry troops that were massacred at The Battle of The Little Big Horn.

Locklear's former husband, Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora has said that he will insist that his ex-wife check herself into The Henry and Betty Ford Rehab Clinic or else he will do whatever it takes to have her deported.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: That last statement is really confusing as hell since Heather Locklear was actually born in Westwood, California.]

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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