Written by Ellis Ian Fields

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Wednesday, 25 January 2012

image for Royal Ballet Principal Quits For Death Metal Band
Sergei's had enough.

The world of dance is reeling this morning following the news that Sergei Polunin has quit as a principal with the Royal Ballet.

Royal Opera House sources are mystified as to why the 21-year-old Ukrainian - the youngest dancer to be made a principal - has decided to leave.

"This is a bolt out of the blue. Sergei was rehearsing right up until today," said a Covent Garden insider. "We are upset, but more than anything we are shocked."

Ballet experts say that Polunin has expressed a desire in the past to build some kind of life outside of ballet, and confused reports suggest he wants to become a tattoo artist.

But to set the record atrisght, Biff Snarl, drummer with death/thrash/black metal rock band Tattoo Parlour, claims the dancer has quit to join the band in time for their extensive tour of Scandinavia.

"S'right, yeah. Sergei's a f****n' ace bass player an' 'e's 'ad it wiv vat poncey ballet s**t. 'E's also got a great growl on 'im, ideal for singin' our lyrics about devil worship and shaggin' corpses."

Tattoo Parlour begin their tour at Trondheim next month. Expect a new album in the Autumn.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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