Written by Skoob1999
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Friday, 20 January 2012

image for "Cowell: I Was Smug And Cocky" - The Sun Sweeps The Board On Today's Piffle Prize Awards
I'm Watching You. No, I Am Really. Walk About For A Bit And See How My Eyes Follow You Around The Room...

It had to happen. Just when the world becomes convinced that the Daily Mail leads the world in journalistic mundanity, closely followed by The Burnley Express - The super soar away Sun comes up trumps and sweeps the board with three out of three in today's Piffle Prize awards.

Proving that Keith (That's Rupert's real name by the way.) Murdoch's News International really does have its finger on the nation's collective pulse.

Today's stunningly irrelevant headline, and undisputed Piffle Prize winner:

"Cowell: I Was Smug And Cocky"

Really? Millions of Brits could hardly wait to get out of bed on a cold blustery morning to find that out. It's a right proper news revelation is that.

Apparently.

So heartwarming for Brits in their hour of fiscal need, as they reach out to the Empire with the begging bowl, to discover that musical guru, Simon Cowell, was actually smug and cocky. Who'd have believed that?

In a story that will inevitably be pulled the instant The Sun realises that somebody is taking the piss, Simon is revealed as having once been smug and cocky.

Fair play to The Sun.

Nobody suspected that.

But there's more!

Second place in today's Piffle Prize awards goes to...The Sun!

"Young Brits Lack Energy, Says Boris"

Which is patently a load of old bollocks.

Young Brits have energy in abundance - see last year's riots. Energy is an essential ingredient when you're legging it down Mare Street in Hackney with a 50" HD TV whilst being pursued by the Met's finest. Another example of Boris talking bollocks, and The Sun running with a story which isn't really a story at all.

As Meatloaf once forgettably said: "Two out of three ain't bad."

And The Sun takes third prize too.

With:

"Giant Shark Spotted Off Devon Beach"

Of course it was. It's what they call a Basking Shark, and they don't eat surfers, or single out Roy Scheider or Richard Dreyfuss for special treatment. In a vindictive manner.

They eat krill. Shrimps and stuff like that. They don't do revenge, they're just docile creatures who like eating small shellfish. The big gaping jaw is just so they can filter stuff out of the water.

To eat.

As any self respecting shark would.

And so The Sun takes the top three prizes in today's Piffle Prize awards.

The Mail has vowed to fight back. Hard.

"We're not taking this lying sideways on, let me tell you," a Mail stringer announced to the press. "Just you wait. All will be revealed on Sunday when we expose the Twilight/Vampire Diaries sexual menage a neuf. And that's without any phone tapping. We'll just make it up as we go along. As usual. But bigger, louder, and better, with a free DVD of Harry Potter Does Dunstable. Catch it on Sunday."

A Burnley Express reporter commented:

"Nay lad. We can't compete wi' that shite at t'Burnley Express. Them lads is pros. We're not trained for that. We just report absolute bollocks as a matter o' course. Tha dunt have to be a bloody novelist to work on t' Burnley Express. We in't qualified for that shite. We leave that stuff to th'experts dahn theer i' that London. An' I'll tell thee summat - some twat's gonna pop up in a second and say..."

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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