Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 18 January 2012

image for Betty White Says That If Ron Paul Wasn't Married, She'd Be All Over Him Like Stripes on A Zebra!
Betty White definitely has a crush on Ron Paul. (Photo by V.P. Joe Biden).

BEVERLY HILLS - Betty White just recently celebrated her 90th birthday and the feisty Hollywood gal does not show any signs of slowing down.

She is seriously considering an offer to appear in next season's edition of Dancing With The Stars as well as teaming up with Duane "Dog" Chapman for a special edition of his show Dog The Bounty Hunter where he tracks down senior citizen bail jumpers.

White recently appeared on an edition of The View and actually got into it with Elisabeth Hasselbeck because Lizzy had asked her how she manages to keep her cellulite from showing.

White did not miss a beat and replied that she would let her in on her secret if she (Hasselbeck) would tell her how she manages to hide the stretch marks on her breasts.

Hasselbeck fired back that she does not have any stretch marks on her breasts and Miss Betty replied, "Well honey, that's not what your husband told Ryan Seacrest when he interviewed him last week."

Elisabeth got so angry that she took off her microphone and walked off the set. Barbara Walters, who is the producer of the show, hollered out for Lizzy to bring them all back some Starbucks Gluten-Free Lattes when she gets over her hissy fit and returns to her seat before she gets her little cracker ass fired.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: The censors did bleep out the word cracker since they did not want to offend any of the shows Georgia viewers.]

Betty White then asked if everyone had forgotten that they had booked her to appear on the show.

Whoopi Goldberg started laughing and said that Betty has always been her favorite old time white comedian along with Carol Burnett, Phyllis Diller, Totie Fields, and Joan Rivers before Joan "The Moan" changed and became a humorless space alien for some unknown damn reason.

Joy Behar asked Betty which of the GOP presidential candidates did she like. She blushed and said that she really liked 76-year-old Ron Paul.

White swooned like a school girl in high school and confessed that if Ronnie was not married that she would be all over him like stripes on a zebra.

She turned to Joy and said, "And girlfriend Joy, being 14 years older than Ronnie, I would probably be the oldest 'cougar' in America."

She then looked at Barbara Walters who was giggling and replied, "And Miss Barbara, don't you be laughing like that you little Yiddish lady, cause you know that you feel the same way about Ronnie that I do."

Walters shook her head back and forth, whispered something under her breath that sounded like 'you witch,' and she went to a commercial.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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