HOLLYWOOD (AP) Recently hired by JCPenney to boost sales of a new line of couches and sofas, former actor Tom Cruise is putting in a lot of overtime in order to earn money to furnish the playhouse he currently shares with child actor Katie Holmes. "Little Katie and I are madly in love and hope to marry some day when we grow up. My report card shows that I am getting good grades in my Scientology classes and I hope to become a minister for the Church of Scientology very soon."
JCPenney furniture department head Nick Kidman reports, "Tom has been jumping couches on the sales floor for several weeks now and our sales of sectionals and love seats have increased 70% as a result. This morning I gave him a raise and a promotion to Assistant Manager."
At their home just outside of Hollywood, Tom and Katie are enjoying playing house with one another. Katie is even expecting a child soon. "I'm absolutely thrilled about having my own baby soon. I know that I'm just a kid myself, but I'm sure I will try my best at playing Mommy. Lately though, I've been worried about how to break the news to Tom that he is not the real father of the baby. He still thinks that hugging is how babies are made. I sure enjoy all the hugging that Tom and I do together, but it was really the delivery guy from Toys ‘R Us who got me pregnant. I'm feeling really sorry about it. I did try to get Tom to show a little interest in me in bed, but he just didn't seem to know what to do!"
Many supermarket tabloids are reporting that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are in the process of breaking up, but from what this Spoof reporter has seen with his own eyes, Tom and Katie seem just like peas and carrots. They spend nearly every waking hour together and seem very happy. However, Tom does keep glancing at Katie's belly and wonders if Katie needs to go on a diet. "I hate to see my Katie get fat… we eat a lot of Fruit Loops and candy bars. I guess that's why her tummy is getting so big."