Written by Paris Silton
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Monday, 16 January 2012

image for Ricky Gervais: Hollywood was just too boring to make fun of this year!
Try as he could to write insults for the Golden Globes, this year's celebrities only bored Ricky Gervais

The ads played his best jibes from the 2011 broadcast and promised an even wickeder Ricky Gervais as host of the Golden Globes again this year. Viewers tuned in, excited for another celebrity skewering. But Gervais was as tame as a kitten and as tepid as a baby's bath.

So, what happened? Where was his characteristic searing wit? The few barbs he threw were neither sharp nor funny.

The Spoof caught up with Gervais at the Beverly Hills Hotel at tonight's after-party, slugging a beer and eager to explain his disappointing turn as host.

"There was no there there!" he said, flashing his familiar devilish smile. "Hollywood was soooo boring this year! There was nothing to make fun of!

I think they behaved all year because they were afraid I'd stick pins in them again. Hah! So they gave me nothing! NOTHING!

Look," he said, wiping beer foam from his mustache, "Ashton and Demi got divorced 'cause he got caught in some hot tub with his swim trunks down and a hot blonde between his legs. Original, now, that is, isn't it? Bo-o-o-oring! Charlie Sheen - well, he sure quieted down, now didn't he? What has he done lately? NOTHING.

Katie Perry and Russell Brand? I got nothing for you. Bupkis. They are married, then they're not." He shrugged. "So what?

There's Glenn Close playing a man in Albert Nobbs. Oh, now that's big news!" he said sarcastically, "Glenn Close is playing a ma-a-an. When isn't she playing a man? Every woman she plays is a man! Glenn Close IS a man! She should get an award for playing a woman!"

He laughed, scratching his beard. "And Kim Kardashian. It's just too easy. Did you see that TV interview with her ex-husband? Sat there like a complete moron. Said nothing, the stupid git. Pitiful! How could I possibly give you something funnier than that already is?

Oh, I could have made fun of Winslet for getting a win that wasn't a Holocaust movie. And I had plenty I could have said about the Thatcher movie and that miserable, horse-faced bitch. I mean, the baggage had a nose like a thumb! When she was Prime Minister, everyone would say she had a dick. She didn't have a dick. With that nose, she didn't need one!

Meryl Streep! I'll tell you, if I was an actress offered a leading role in a movie, I'd ask for one thing, one very important thing. THAT IT DOESN'T COME OUT THE SAME YEAR ANY OF HERS DO! That would have to go in my contract. I just wouldn't do it, 'cause nobody can get one up over that woman. She's brilliant, that's all there is to it. Brilliant," he said, swigging his beer sadly.

"The truth is, nobody did anything all year that was worth making fun of. And I didn't see any of the movies or TV shows that were nominated. Oh I tried, believe me, I tried, but I couldn't stay awake. Every single one of them was a snore fest. Let's face it, there just wasn't any material ripe for the pickin' this year. War Horse? Without puppets, that thing is just a stinkin', slobbering sob story. Hugo? That's another one. What was Scorsese thinkin'? Pansy movie of the year! Modern Family? I won't, I just WON'T say anything the slightest bit unkind about anyone who has anything to do with that show. That show is golden. You can't touch it. I won't, I just won't.

And how do you expect me to say anything bad about The Help? Ohhh, I was all ready with this big ol' chocolate cream pie to go and shove into Harvey Weinstein's face, but they told me I could expect a visit from Lorena Bobbitt tonight if that were to happen. Oh yes, my hands were tied, they tied my hands real good. The Help? Morgan Freeman getting the Cecil B. DeMille Lifetime Achievement Award? Sidney Poitier? I would be a fool to disparage any of them. Anti-defamation League, lawsuits, solicitor fees up my ass. I'd have had to hang it up for good. Be done with it forever," he said, pushing through the air with his fist.

"They didn't kid around this year. They invited me back, and they told me I had free rein again. But I might as well have been Rumpelstiltskin and slept through this year 'cause that's what it was. A long, miserably boring nap. A NOTHIN' year. Nothin' good about it. NOBODY did anything remotely ripe for the pickin'."

He grinned, his eyes twinkling. "You believe me now, don't you, mate? Give us a smile then and I'll be off." With that, he shoved his empty beer glass in this reporter's hand and disappeared into the partying crowd.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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