Written by Skoob1999
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Saturday, 14 January 2012

image for "Heather Locklear was 'out of control' prior to drug and alcohol incident that landed her in hospital" - DM Back On Form To Win Saturday's Piffle Prize
All The Crap You Really Needed To Know About In One Place

Following a one day temporary hiatus in the art of expounding utter mundanity, the Daily Mail stormed back to form to scoop Saturday's Piffle Prize with the above statement of the bleedin' obvious.

Tenacious DM reportage revealed profound revelations such as that Ms Locklear is "a different person on drugs" that she was apparently "having a hard time" and that "she is in no danger."

Which when loosely translated into English means that the woman had a bad time with her partner, freaked out a bit, and ended up in hospital, but that when she gets through this, she'll basically be all right.

Just like tens of thousands of other people who experience relationship problems and have a bit of a blow out. Basically, it's piffle at the most meaningless level, and a well deserved winner of today's piffle prize.

Utter drivel.

Second prize went to that most august organ, The Sun, which reported that "Miley shines as no show Katy wins big at People's Choice Awards"

Which essentially reveals that Miley Cyrus didn't win anything at the awards, but that she looked quite pretty. And that The Sun didn't want to upstage their own headline report regarding Katy Perry dying her hair blue, as she apparently has the blues following her break up with Russell Brand, and that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are strictly last year's news.

Third place went to The Burnley Express for their poll: "Will you give up alcohol two days a week?"

Not surprisingly, at the time of writing, there was only one response to the poll: "I never touched alcohol for twelve years, then on my thirteenth birthday I've never stopped!" (sic)

Nothing new there then. Surprising, that, for Burnley folk.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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