Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 12 January 2012

image for Paris Hilton's Startling Announcement: "I Am Giving Up Sex"
Paris Hilton shown at her hair stylist FuFi Fondue's Haven of Hair Salon in Beverly Hills. (Photo by Adam Lambert).

WEST HOLLYWOOD - Paris Hilton has made a startling confession to one of her very best friends Christina Aguilera.

The two were recently having lunch at The Fiery Tongue of The Dragon Chinese Restaurant in West Hollywood when Paris suddenly became flushed and turned pale.

Christina quickly asked her what was wrong and if she had taken some kind of illegal substance that she needed to tell the waiter about.

Paris nodded her head as if to say "no."

Aguilera then asked her if she perhaps had a piece of egg roll lodged in her throat. And again Paris nodded as if to say "no."

Christina stood up and got right in her face and asked, "How about a piece of Crab Rangoon? some Stir Fried Baby Yak? some Peking Duck?"

Hilton frantically nodded three times as if to say "no, no, and no."

At that point the waiter walked over to Aguilera and told her that she was going to have to get off of Miss Hilton's lap and get back into her own chair.

Aguilera told the waiter, identified as Chang Yang Bang Atterquist, that she felt that Miss Hilton had something lodged in her throat cavity and that she was semi-choking.

Atterquist took his hands and opened Hilton's mouth. He probed extensively inside her throat region with his right middle finger and he informed Aguilera that all he could feel was one slimy as hell tongue, some normal looking teeth, a uvula, and two undescended tonsils.

Christina thanked him as did Paris once Atterquist removed his middle finger from her mouth and she was once again able to speak.

Paris then confessed to Christina that for the past two months she had been having what can best be described as feminine hormonal hot flashes.

She confided to Christina that she went to see her sex therapist who is located in Venice Beach. He checked her out and told her that she was suffering from a condition known as Sexualitis Vigoroso Ipso Se Habla.

Paris said that her sex therapist who did not want his name revealed said that in layman's terms (no pun intended) what that means is that Paris is having so much sex that her sexual organs, namely her magic muffin (groin goody) has become disoriented and is on the verge of becoming dysfunctional.

Hilton asked him what she can do to correct that scary condition. She was told that the only cure for SVISH as it is known is to abstain from any type of pubic mingling [i.e. riding the baloney pony] for a period of at least six months.

Paris yelled out "Six months?"

"I did not stutter Miss Hilton," the doctor replied.

Hilton apologized and said that he did not stutter but that she had certainly felt her crotch cookie (hooha) stutter and stutter quite loudly and quite extensively.

Paris remarked that she really had no choice in the matter and said that she would be giving up sex.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: The name of Paris Hilton's Venice Beach sex therapist is Dr. Pomeroy P. Flibberflax, 71, the same Dr. Pomeroy P. Flibberflax who was once engaged to X-Factor's Paula Abdul and who had treated her for a misaligned labia minora.]

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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