Written by E. Lee Zimmerman
Print this
Topics: Justin Bieber

Monday, 9 January 2012

image for CDC Reports 'Failed Paternity Test' Confirms Justin Bieber Still Incapable of Impregnating Women
Sample "infant"

(Atlanta, GA) - Today, CDC chief virologist Rueben Suresh confirmed the results of additional analyses performed in early January on Justin Bieber's failed paternity test sample. Suresh stated that recent reviews show that the pop star remains fully incapable of personally spreading Bieber Fever.

"We know, categorically, that Justin was created eighteen years ago in a culture dish deep inside some basement laboratory operated by Chinese scientists," Suresh stated in the press conference. "We know that these scientists hoped to unleash Bieber Fever on the unsuspecting masses, believing that the virus would spread exponentially across the United States and around the world. We also know that their hope was to incite mass hysteria around the performer with the sole purpose of distracting a naïve public from the Chinese naval build-up presently underway in the Pacific. Thankfully, we can say today, with conviction, that our results confirm that Justin remains fully incapable of spreading his spawn via sexual intercourse with consenting females."

In late 2011, thirty-seven year old cocktail waitress Mariah Yeater appeared on the television program, Inside Notoriety. She claimed that Bieber had met and courted her in the popular online haircare forum, Split Ends. Despite being his senior by twenty years, Yeater stated that Bieber insisted the two meet privately, and, when they did, Yeater insists the popstar seduced her with imported French wine and a box of Red Hots.

Once she became pregnant, Yeater claimed, Bieber refused all of her Skype calls. Despite failure of the paternity test, the cocktail waitress doggedly insists that her son, named P. Diddy, Jr., is the result of said copulation with the pop phenom.

For the record, Bieber had long maintained his innocence. In December, 2011, he conferred privately with Yeater's attorneys, agreeing to participate with the paternity test so long as the results would be kept confidential until he would to reveal them to the press in conjunction with his impending album release, Ain't Your Baby Daddy.

While Suresh assured reporters that Bieber Fever remains a Class D Virus of a D List Celebrity, he was quick to underscore that the popstar remains classified at 'Threat Level Nine' within the CDC's assessment protocols.
Suresh confirmed that the CDC will continue to monitor develops with Bieber Fever.

"Specifically," he said, "we're being guardedly optimistic that Bieber Fever will not mutate into the famed J1B1 Virus that the Chinese intended to unleash worldwide."

Make E. Lee Zimmerman's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Stop - Warning

The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature.

This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

To confirm you have acknowledged this warning, and wish to continue to read the article, please click the following link.

Otherwise, please click here to go back to the home page.


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 2 multiplied by 1?

8 2 17 22
54 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more