Written by E. Lee Zimmerman
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Topics: Justin Bieber

Monday, 9 January 2012

image for CDC Reports 'Failed Paternity Test' Confirms Justin Bieber Still Incapable of Impregnating Women
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(Atlanta, GA) - Today, CDC chief virologist Rueben Suresh confirmed the results of additional analyses performed in early January on Justin Bieber's failed paternity test sample. Suresh stated that recent reviews show that the pop star remains fully incapable of personally spreading Bieber Fever.

"We know, categorically, that Justin was created eighteen years ago in a culture dish deep inside some basement laboratory operated by Chinese scientists," Suresh stated in the press conference. "We know that these scientists hoped to unleash Bieber Fever on the unsuspecting masses, believing that the virus would spread exponentially across the United States and around the world. We also know that their hope was to incite mass hysteria around the performer with the sole purpose of distracting a naïve public from the Chinese naval build-up presently underway in the Pacific. Thankfully, we can say today, with conviction, that our results confirm that Justin remains fully incapable of spreading his spawn via sexual intercourse with consenting females."

In late 2011, thirty-seven year old cocktail waitress Mariah Yeater appeared on the television program, Inside Notoriety. She claimed that Bieber had met and courted her in the popular online haircare forum, Split Ends. Despite being his senior by twenty years, Yeater stated that Bieber insisted the two meet privately, and, when they did, Yeater insists the popstar seduced her with imported French wine and a box of Red Hots.

Once she became pregnant, Yeater claimed, Bieber refused all of her Skype calls. Despite failure of the paternity test, the cocktail waitress doggedly insists that her son, named P. Diddy, Jr., is the result of said copulation with the pop phenom.

For the record, Bieber had long maintained his innocence. In December, 2011, he conferred privately with Yeater's attorneys, agreeing to participate with the paternity test so long as the results would be kept confidential until he would to reveal them to the press in conjunction with his impending album release, Ain't Your Baby Daddy.

While Suresh assured reporters that Bieber Fever remains a Class D Virus of a D List Celebrity, he was quick to underscore that the popstar remains classified at 'Threat Level Nine' within the CDC's assessment protocols.
Suresh confirmed that the CDC will continue to monitor develops with Bieber Fever.

"Specifically," he said, "we're being guardedly optimistic that Bieber Fever will not mutate into the famed J1B1 Virus that the Chinese intended to unleash worldwide."

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