Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Sunday, 8 January 2012

image for Donald Trump Announces The 18 Celebrities For Season Five of Celebrity Apprentice
Victoria Gotti reading the Rolling Stone in her $11.2 million mansion. (Photo by Salvatore Goombalini).

MANHATTAN - Donald Trump, the man who has threatened to run for president at least seven times within the past six months has just announced the list of 18 celebrities who will be appearing on the next edition of his show Celebrity Apprentice.

The man with the "Hairdo From Hades" remarked (like he does every year) that this year's group of celebrities is the best one ever.

Well the modern day version of P.T. Barnum, old P.T. Trump is nothing if not a fantastic snake oil salesman. He could sell penguins to the Eskimos, fortune cookies to the Chinese, and Brazil nuts to the Brazilians.

Perhaps the most well-known of the not-so-well-known celebs are Clay Aiken (gay singer), Arsenio Hall (ex-talk show host), Lou Ferrigno (The Incredible Hulk), Penn Gillette (big, ugly, fat dude), and Victoria Gotti (John Gotti's charmingly adorable daughter).

Secondary well-knowns include Dee Snider (70s rock and roller), Cheryl Tiegs (former model), Adam Corolla (talking guy), and Debbie Gibson (singer).

In the third category we find Tia Carrere (actress), George Takei (gay actor), and Michael Andretti (straight race car driver).

And in the fourth category we see the names of Aubrey O'Day (?), Dayana Mendoza (?), Lisa Lampanelli (?), Patricia Velasquez (?), Paul Teutul (?), and Teresa Giudice (???).

Three individuals who did not make the celebrity cut were Archibald Ampersand, Urbanette Foobicky, and Rucker Critfiggle, III.

Ampersand is noted for being Ryan Seacrest's stunt double. Foobicky is infamous for being the nation's top female animal juggler and recently appeared on The Ellen DeGeneres Show where she juggled a woodchuck, a baby kangaroo, and a Gaboon Viper all at the same time.

And Critfiggle is one of America's most famous marathon runners. Last year "Feets" as he is known, entered 17 races (26.2 miles each) and won 13 of them including The Memphis Marathon Race and The Colorado Springs Marathon Race both of which he ran completely backwards.

FOOTNOTE: Las Vegas oddsmakers are making an early prediction that the person most likely to win this year's edition is Victoria Gotti. Many remarked that they can't imagine Donald Trump looking at Vicki the daughter of one of New York City's top Mafia bosses and saying "Victoria, you're fired!" One oddsmaker replied that he can just hear John Gotti's daughter replying, "And ju Mr. Trump are swimming widda fishes."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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