Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Friday, 6 January 2012

image for After Announcing That She Has Not Done 'The Horizontal Hokey Pokey' In Two Years, Charlize Theron Has Received Thousands and Thousands of Offers
Charlize Theron shown in her Hollywood Hills home shaving her legs. (Photo by Charlize Theron).

TARZANA - Noted film star Charlize Theron was recently spotted visiting The Tarzan & Jane Petting Zoo in Tarzana.

The very attractive actress says that she loves spending time at the zoo because it brings back childhood memories of when she was living in her home country of South Africa and she would play with the various jungle animals on a daily basis.

She said that she developed a special bond with the animals and could actually wrestle full-grown tigers, panthers, and leopards and never get bitten or even receive a scratch.

Charlize said that the native boys would call her Yatakatanka, which is Swahili for "Dammit dat fine-lookin' white girl sure has got some mighty big balls on her."

According to a story that appeared in The Cucamonga Chit-Chat Chronicle Charlize confessed to reporter Redwood Fingerboo that she has not engaged in any horizontal hokey pokey (her words) in the past two years.

Fingerboo, was needless to say, extremely shocked. He asked her again and she replied that in the past 24 months no male has even gotten to first base with her, although one creative unnamed celeb did lay down a sacrifice bunt but was thrown out at first by half a step.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: After going on the Internet and seeing dozens of sexy photos of Charlize I just could not believe that this stunningly gorgeous woman has not 'belly bumped' in two whole years, but a call to Larry King did in fact verify Miss Theron's statement.]

Fingerboo asked the 36-year-old Theron the obvious question, "WHY?"

The vivaciously attractive actress simply smiled and replied, "Oh, I guess just because."

Fingerboo said that because is not an answer and remarked that because is a conjunction.

Theron dabbed at her Daisy Duke shorts and said that the breakup of her nine year relationship with Stuart Townsend really took a lot out of her.

She went on to say that she does not think that she will ever feel the feelings of warmth, security, emotional entanglement, and deja vu that she felt with "Boopsie Woopsie" as she affectionately called Townsend.

Charlize grinned and told Fingerboo that although she truly feels that way her female ego has received quite a tremendous boost.

She noted that since making her celibate announcement she has received over 13,000 offers from males in every state in the union plus 29 countries offering to do some mattress frolicking with her and have her experience one hell of a fireworks display, or as they call it in The Hollywood Hills "Gettin' Da Big Ohhhh."

Charlize Theron did make a promise to Redwood Fingerboo that The Cucamonga Chit-Chat Chronicle will definitely be the first publication that she will inform if and when she does change her mind and decides to do the vo-di-oh-doe with some lucky as hell guy (my words).

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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