Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Friday, 6 January 2012

image for Nina Dobrev, Ian Somerhalder, and Paul Wesley Return For Season 3 on The Vampire Diaries
Concord grapes are used in literally countess vampire rituals. (Photo courtesy of Wynonna Judd).

HOLLYWOOD - The Vampire Diaries kicked off season number three with a real bang as Alaric (Matt Davis) launched a bottle rocket that almost hit Caroline (Candice Accola) on her cowlick and landed on a hay pile which quickly started a fire that burned up a barn, a corral, and a chicken coop.

Meanwhile Elena (Nina Dobrev) is getting the feeling that Stefan (Wesley) may have lost some of his lustful lust for her as he has gone away and before he did he had not really mentioned them doing the mattress mambo in the weeks prior.

Elena begins fantasizing that Stefan's brother Damon (Ian Somerhalder) takes her out to the countryside and as the two walk hand-in-hand by a quaint, 79 acre, man-made lake he suddenly puts his hand on one of her tata's and whispers that she reminds him of "Freckles" an ex-girlfriend who he used to love doing the sis-boom-bahhh with.

Elena smiles as she puts an orange Tic Tac in her mouth and further fantasizes that Damon's ex-girlfriend "Freckles" broke up with him because her family moved to Connecticut to open up an electronic ankle bracelet monitoring device repair shop.

Meanwhile Stefan is also doing a bit of fantasizing about Elena and he pictures her riding naked on a spry Shetland pony. He follows behind her on a much slower appaloosa and finally catches up with her when the Shetland throws a shoe, as Roy Rogers used to say in most of his B-Westerns.

Stefan then helps Elena dismount from the Shetland and in his mind he mounts her and he yells out for her to knock her lights out as she rides the baloney pony.

The producer of The Vampire Diaries Manolo Middlezuck has stated that this season the episodes will include lots of fantasizing before the actual fact.

They will also feature songs written especially for the show by artists such as Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus, Lady Gaga, Clay Aiken, and a song written by Vice-President Joe Biden titled, "This Sucking Business Just Ain't What It Used To Be."

Middlezuck noted that he has also managed to line up some well known celebs as guest stars including Jennifer Aniston, Willie Nelson, Vanessa Bryant, Tim Tebow, Rachel "Little Crow" Crow, and Ozzy Osbourne.

SIDENOTE: The Vampire Dairies can now be heard in Spanish by taking your remote control and typing in the words: Se Habla EspaƱol.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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