Written by shufflewick71
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Wednesday, 4 January 2012

image for Kerry Katona spitting nails at New Years Honours snub
Royal insiders said that the Queen is perplexed by the reports, and asked 'Who is this Katona serf anyway?'

A glaring omission from this years New Years Honours list has seen tv celebrity/former 'singer' and media ho Kerry Katona express her disbelief yesterday.

Speaking from the star studded gala that closed the 'Save a Chav for Crimbo' charity campaign, Ms. Katona, dolled up to the nines in a 'Primark' bargain bucket mini dress and dripping with 'Argos' diamondesque jewellery, made no bones about her disappointment in being left off of the much coveted honours list

'Fookin' stuck up wazzocks! 'oo the 'ell does that Queen think she is? I've contributed bloody loads to the newspaper and magazine industry over the years, and that alone should earn me a gong! Not only that, but I've upped the profile of single mother's everywhere, and shown just how far we can go.

I went all the way to Thailand with me four kids in tow last year, and that's no mean fookin' feat. Have you tried folding a double buggy at Gatwick?'

When reminded by some hacks present that the honours list also included members of the general public, many of whom have been unsung heroes in their communities for many years, Ms. Katona retorted:

' For what? Holding a bleeding lollipop on a school crossing? I'd bloody do it if they upped the wages by 100 grand and gave me expenses for me Marlboro lights. They could glam up the uniform as well. A bit of leopard skin wouldn't go amiss.'

Cynthia Simpering-Smythe, member of the Nominations team of the Honours and Appointments Secretariat responded:

'Whilst many nominations for Ms. Katona were submitted, we simply could not put forward her name as a possible recipient. Mainly because we couldn't decipher the crayon writing on the letters, and frankly, didn't have the nerve to pass them on to Her Majesty.'

Ms. Katona's ex-husband, Mark Croft, also commented this morning on his former wife's protestations, outside his home in Wormwood Scrubs:

'Silly cow. If anyone deserves a flaming medal it's me for putting up with that dizzy troll.'

** Ms. Katona was swiftly followed in to the event by Tulisa Contostavlos, who launched the charity campaign some weeks ago, and announced that the full £2.75 raised will be winging its way to those in need asap **

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