Written by jd Balderdash
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Topics: Closet

Friday, 10 February 2006

image for Calvin and Hobbes Come Out of the Closet

For years millions have marveled at the the eerily "close" relationship between adorable little Calvin and his lovable make believe tiger Hobbes. Now, according to "J" magazine readers can finally learn just how "close" that relationship really is AND why Hobbes prefers umbrellas to race cars, daisies to girlie mags, Pitt to Jolie.

"J" Magazine, the West Coast's first 100% gay, 100% straight "depending on how you read it" gay/straight magazine spoke with Lee Davis, the new cartoonist who now illustrates the popular Calvin and Hobbes cartoon after Bill Watterson, the strip's creator retired.

J MAGAZINE -> Calvin's gay?

LEE DAVIS -> Calvin's .. "happy".

J MAGAZINE -> Hobbes?

LEE DAVIS -> Hobbes is gay.


Lincoln Wallace of The Discovery Channel says that gay tigers DO exist in the wild pointing out the deadly sound that gay tigers make,

"ROA-errrr'r eh?"

as opposed to the more traditional


made by tigers about to eat you and all members of your pretend African safari tour party that can't get away clean and fast on the tour bus in time.

Calvin, creation of cartoonist Bill Watterson routinely flew kites with his tiger Hobbes, slept with him, bathed with him and even once gave Hobbes mouth to tiger resuscitation for no apparent reason.

Now, thanks to the new creator of Calvin and Hobbes, Calvin and Hobbes come out of the closet. Literally.


HOBBES -> So, Calvin. It's getting kind of warm here in this closet.

CALVIN -> Yes Hobbes yes .. it .. IS. What say we ... (YES) .. what say we open the door and .. and head out into the sunshine.

HOBBES -> OK. In a .. In a .. ARGGGGGH !! ... OK .. let's go : )

Michael Jackson, avid reader of (and contributor to) "J" Magazine says that he is looking forward to the new Calvin and Hobbes "out of the closet" cartoon. Speaking with reporters from an undisclosed location in Aruba Jackson said,

"I always thought Hobbes was .. kind of cute. I even had a Hobbes doll as a kid. Dad made me get rid of Hobbes when I was 12. I cried. My song Ben is really about Hobbes, not that rat. I hate rats, I love Hobbes."

Pat Robertson has promised to damn the publishers of the new Calvin and Hobbes strip straight to the fiery gates of hell just as soon as he's had a chance to read the first installment..

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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