Local man, Martin Shuttlecock last night declared that former university students should be banned to hell and back from ever making light entertainment TV programmes, legally banned from making sit-coms, ruled out of making sketch shows, and threatened with a slow, agonising death if they should ever be bloated by sufficient levels of self aggrandisement to ever submit film scripts.
Speaking in an explosion of drunken outrage, following Channel 4's pitiful TV offerings of the Armstrong and Miller vehicle, Felix and Murdo, and the pathetic excuse offered for 'alternative' humour, Ben Elton - Laughing At The 80's, our man on the south coast declared:
"Absolute, utter, total, self indulgent shite."
When pressed to explain himself further, Shuttlecock sort of explained that Armstrong and Miller were simply jumping on the Downton Abbey bandwagon, and pathetically attempting to raise laughs from something which is basically about as funny as leaving your hand in a pan of boiling water for twenty minutes. In full Edwardian costume.
"That just didn't work," Shuttlecock said. "Whoever commissioned that sack of crap wants taking out the back and stringing up by the bollocks."
An already fuming Shuttlecock was then left to watch Ben Elton explain why 'alternative' comedy rocked the nation and incited a sweeping rethink of how people view the world.
"Utter bollocks!" Shuttlecock proclaimed. "Changed the world my arse! They were just a bunch of overpriveleged student types who had no comprehension whatsoever about the reality of Thatcher's Britain. Besides which, they haven't done anything remotely funny since 1981, with The Young Ones - as they never seem to tire of fucking telling everybody. If you ask me, they destroyed comedy as an art form, because all the like minded trendy twats at the Beeb and Channel 4 were led to believe that 'alternative' was the new face of comedy. I am an admirer of Ben Elton's literary output, but as a stand-up, he was crap. All this right on, trendy left wing bollocks these creeps spout is just so much fluff. They were protected from the reality of Thatcher's Britain by wealth and privilege. They're just fraudsters. They were all crap, and now they've become what they purported to despise. The comedy establishment. Fuck the bastard lot of 'em. They were never much cop, and time reveals exactly how shit the fucking job lot of them were. Ponces."
Shuttlecock's long suffering wife, Anne, addressing reporters from Shuttlecock's front door, said:
"I don't know quite what's got into the silly bastard tonight. He only usually gets like this when Man United lose. I know he tends to have a pop at Scousers and that, but he was laughing along with John Bishop the other night, and he insists that Tarbuck's a far better comedian than Elton will ever be. He swears that he isn't PC, and I believe him. Makes a change like, but I do agree with him that these so called 'alternative' comedians were shite really. Funny, but earlier tonight, he said that he was always a Tommy Cooper fan, and that he'd love to sit down to dinner with Eric Sykes and Barry Cryer. And he still occasionally cries about the passing of Stan Laurel and Groucho Marx. He thinks they should have lived forever. I don't really know about that. Did they have privileged upbringings?"
Shuttlecock continues to attempt to prove to the world that he is, at best, vaguely amusing.
Without much success, according to reports.
More as we get it.