Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Friday, 23 December 2011

image for X-Factor's Melanie Amaro Wins The $5 Million First Prize and Reveals What She Is Going To Buy
Part of the $5 million first prize that Melanie Amaro won on X-Factor. (Photo courtesy of Rachel Crow).

LOS ANGELES - The Final Three soon became the Final Two as hip hop rapper Chris Rene was the first to be eliminated on the season finale of X-Factor.

And Rene took it all in stride when he told the audience that he was not going to have a meltdown like 14-year-old Drew Ryniewicz and 13-year-old Rachel Crow had done when they were eliminated.

Chris instead told X-Factor Host Steve Jones, who rumor has it will be replaced by Derek Hough of Dancing With The Stars, that he will simply ride off into the sunset and head straight for that hip hop recording studio.

He said that he plans on giving established artists like Kid Rock, Eminem, Ke$ha, and Usher a run for their tons and tons of money and their truck loads of bling bling.

Justin Bieber performed on the finale and he had the legendary Stevie Wonder singing and playing the accordion along with him. Bieber also brought out Drew Ryniewicz, who it appears has just about gotten over the tremendous trauma of being eliminated three weeks ago.

Drew, who for some reason was dressed like a little Amish girl, was absolutely thrilled at meeting and getting to sing about 14 notes with Justin. After they finished singing she asked Justin to autograph her elbow. He did and she suddenly let out two yells when he dotted the "i's" in his first and last name.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Pico de Gallo with Tittle Tattle Tonight reported that after the show Simon Cowell met Drew backstage and he had the show's doctor check out the two spots on her elbow where Justin had dotted the "i's" in his name. The doctor said she was medically sound and Cowell made Drew sign a medical waver saying that she was perfectly fine and that she would not be taking any legal action against him (Simon Cowell) X-Factor, or Justin Bieber.]

When it got down to the Final Two, Melanie Amaro and Josh Krajcik hugged each other extremely tight and more than one person in the audience noticed that Josh's girlfriend became very upset with jealousy. The tension in the building was so thick that you could cut it with a machete.

And finally came the time for Steve to announce who the very first winner of the $5 million X-Factor first prize award would be. And the entire place fell quiet - even the usually talkative Paula Abdul managed to give her vocal cords a rest.

The lights dimmed, the smoke was filtered in, and the music grew to an orgasmic crescendo, as Ashton Kutcher would say. And Steve Jones took the certified envelope, opened it, and announced, "The winner of the 2011 X-Factor is...Melanie Amaro."

Melanie, who was already crying from having seen a film clip that showed her family including her brothers, sister, mother, father, grandmother, cousins, uncles, aunts, and Trixy, her second cousin twice removed once forcibly, began crying even more.

Normally in a case like this the female's black eye-liner is running all over the place but Paula pointed out that Melanie was wearing Revlon Eye-Liner Countess Contessa XF-13, which is waterproof and is extremely expensive.

The Caribbean native who lives in Florida was asked to sing a song and she began singing but forgot the words six times. Well actually she had to stop because a bunch of tears got in her mouth and jammed up her vocal cords.

When the the five o'clock shadowed host asked her what she planned to do with the money Melanie shook her head and replied that she did not know. Steve started to walk away and she called him back saying that she had just remembered.

She told him that she was going to buy a brand new house in Sunrise, Florida for her mom and dad, a Harley-Davidson motorcycle for her sister, a Ferrari California for her older brother, and a Maserati Granturismo for her younger brother.

Melanie said that she was going to buy her grandmother a brand new walker equipped with chrome mag wheels, spinner hubcaps, and a CD player.

When Steve asked her what she was going to get for herself she replied a pair of comfortable shoes, a Miami Dolphins football helmet, and some speech lessons so that she can once and for all get rid of her Caribbean accent.

FOOTNOTE: Walmart just announced that since winning X-Factor the Melanie Amaro Bobblehead Doll has completely sold out in every single one of its nationwide stores except for one in Maricopa, Arizona and one in Wasilla, Alaska.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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