As reported some days ago, everyone's favourite aussie-greek, (do we actually know any others?..Ed.) Peter Andre, launched his new skincare range for men, 'Silli-cleanse by Andre'. Well our sources say that it is already this Christmas's number one selling product!
Comprising of vaseline, chillblain cream, and boob silicone it appears that the general public agree with Andre's claims at the press launch that:
'It makes your face feel as smooth as me freshly waxed surfboard, mate.'
So popular is the cream - sold out in 'Selfridges' and ten boxes stolen from 'Poundstretcher' - that men around Britain have been trying to do it on the cheap at home, and have been begging their implanted other halves to stand next to a naked flame like Pricey, in an attempt to combust their bosoms.
Speaking today, Peter Andre went to great lengths to deter such actions:
' Mates, youse have got rocks in your head if you're doing that. Not only is it bloody dangerous, but it makes a hell of a mess of the carpet. When Kate's boobs blew up, it was purely accidental, and in the end, a marriage breaker. In fact, the only things I walked away from wedlock with were my dignity intact, me balls still attached and ten dozen pots of exploded silicone. I just knew they'd come in handy as a money spinner after the divorce, mate.'
Experts questioned about the validity of silicone as a skincare wonder, expressed their scepticism yesterday afternoon. Professor Anthony Gumpf-Baggage, chairman of the British Association of Dermatologists, and a noted cosmetic surgeon, gave his response when arriving at his clinic in Brighton yesterday:
'It's a load of rancid bollocks. Now if you'll excuse me on my way to inject bum fat into his ex-wife's lips.'
Another person pouring scorn on Mr. Andre's latest marketing coup, is his former wife, no stranger to the world of self-improvement herself.
' Do me a bleeding favour. If that shit is popular it's because my silicone's in it, which means he owes me at least 50% of the profit for starters. In fact, I'm talking to me lawyer today about getting back what's left of the silicone off 'im as it'll come in handy, and save me a bit of dosh for me next boob job. The amount he ruddy nicked off me I can go up to a 42HH next time when they stuff it back in.'
She issued this statement through an interpreter, as sadly there had been a gross overestimation of the amount of bum fat needed to plump up her lips the previous day.
In next week's edition of 'Fanny' magazine, beauty editor, Euphrania Belch will be reviewing 'Silli-cleanse,' with the assistance of 'Westlife', who will be testing the product, seeing as they no longer have anything better to do.