UNIVERSITY PARK, Pennsylvania - In a collegiate move that has surprised 91 percent of the Penn State faculty and 93 percent of the Penn State student body, school administrators have moved to change the university's name.
Penn State spokesperson Calhoun "Lips" Lippalino informed the news media that the university dean, assistant dean, president, and sergeant-at-arms had voted 4 to 0 to make the needed arrangements to change the university's name.
The new name, Paradise University, was first suggested by Gino "The Mop" Mopaletti, who has worked as a custodian at Penn State for 51 years.
He said that he just got fed up with having to hear the likes of Jay Leno, David Letterman, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon, and all of the other talk show comedians go on and on about the Coach Jerry Sandusky Shower Scandal.
And so Mopaletti managed to meet with the school's president who passed on his suggestion to the school dean.
Spokesperson Lippalino spoke with Tilapia Frisbee, a reporter with The Right Coast Illustrated Revue, and conveyed the fact that he was really upset at how cruel the American press were being by making joke after joke about Coach Jerry Sandusky.
Frisbee quickly pointed out that (Sandusky) had no damn business showering with young boys much less (BLANKING) them. And it was a sad commentary that a lot of other adults in the football program seemed to just turn away and pretend that the coach was merely teaching the boys how to properly use a bar of hand soap?
Lippalino told Miss Frisbee that the university had already agreed to make some mighty big changes and concessions.
"Such as what?" Frisbee asked.
"Well for one thing," Lippalino remarked, "The university has agreed to close down every single shower stall on the Penn State campus."
He went on to say that the school administrators had also spent over $9,000 printing up dozens of metal signs stating that male children under the age of 14 were not permitted on the University campus.
"Wow!" Frisbee replied in a somewhat sarcastic tone.
Lippalino also let her know that the two female cheerleaders who were caught cheering during the last football game without any underwear on were both thrown off the cheerleading squad and actually banned from the university.
Dr. Mildred "Muffin" Ticklefish, 51, who is the head of The Home Economics Department brought out the fact that the school was really doing its best to try to make things better.
She remarked that the school did not want to publicize this fact for the obvious reason but she knew first hand that an unnamed college psychology professor had been video taped groping the university's mascot Leon the Nittany Lion.
She pointed out that the professor was called into the dean's office and given a three day suspension and warned to never go near Leon the Nittany Lion mascot again or he would be terminated and banned from getting within three miles of the university campus.
FOOTNOTE: And so Penn State University will soon become Paradise University (P.U.) and the Nittany Lion mascot will seize to exist and be replaced by the Nittany Lamb.