Yes, showbiz fans, here at news headquarters we cannot quite believe it either (in fact our editor choked on his weight-watchers muesli bar when the stunning news came in) but 'tis true!! Womanising, silver fox and star of 'Return of the killer tomatoes,' George Clooney, is to marry!
As we close our windows to muffle the expected wailing from the single (and married for that matter) female populus, we can report that Mr Clooney clearly has an eye for a bit of British skirt, as his betrothed is none other than our own national treasure, Ann Widdecombe.
We can exclusively reveal that love blossomed during Clooney's recent political sticky-beaking regarding the 'Darfur Situation,' and he and Miss Widdecombe met at the launch of the 'Plant a marijuana bush for Darfur' campaign in our very own Stringfellows, in London town. Their eyes apparently met across a crowded dance floor, filled by paps and news reporters, but filled mostly by Peter Stringfellow's mullet.
Regardless of that, one glimpse was all that was needed, and it was l'amour!
Although immediately smitten, Mr. Clooney is said to have researched 'Widdy' a little more, taken one look at her pasa doble on a 'Strictly come dancing' dvd and it was straight down to 'Argos' for the engagement ring!
Though Mr. Clooney and Miss Widdecombe's friends and family are said to be overjoyed by the news, we can report that one such person who is less than thrilled is Clooney's womanising rival and fellow movie star, Jack Nicholson.
'Goddamn sneaky, underhand, scumsucking little douche bag. For years I've been tryin' to land that hot piece of ass Annie, and one raised eyebrow from Clooney and she is another one I gotta cross out of my little black book. I'm still fuckin' waiting for Edwina Currie to come see 'little Jackie.'
Miss Widdecombe was unavailable for comment today, as she is said to be busy at home searching' Ebay' for the perfect wedding dress, as a tribute to UK public belt-tightening, and not - as some of Clooney's harshest critics have alleged - because he is so tight, that he squeezes a dollar until George Washington screams for mercy.
The wedding will be taking place at Clooney's spectacular Lake Como mansion, and amongst the guests will be Miss Widdecombe's 'Strictly' partner, Anton du Beke and ever respectful Clooney's former girlfriends, who will be staying in the closest 1000 local hotels and guest houses (thought that is apparently a tight squeeze already)