Written by shufflewick71
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Topics: Celebrities

Monday, 19 December 2011

image for Sinitta to marry cockroach lover
Norm's brother Ernie doesn't need a visa as he caught a ride to the UK via Sinitta's big hair.

We do so love a love story here in news world, and we are thrilled to exclusively announce that 80's 'So Macho' warbler and Simon Cowell brown noser, Sinitta, is to marry her cockroach lover after a whirlwind romance.

During her recent stint in the Aussie jungle on 'I'm a Celebrity, get me out of here!', Sinitta admittedly came across to the public as a whinging, needy, 14 carat fuck-up of a contestant, consistently whining during the copious bushtucker trials foisted upon her, however, off camera we can happily reveal she was getting up close and very personal with Norm, a 6 foot Australian cockroach. Romance started when Norm, noting how terrified Sinitta was of 'creepy crawlies', suggested acclimatising herself with him first, and after several clandestine rendezvous in the water hole, love blossomed.'

'Yes, it's love!' admitted Sinitta today.

' When I went into the jungle to be frank, I was shit scared of all crawling, slimy, creepy things, which is why I didn't especially gel with Pat Sharp, and the trials were sheer hell for me, but my darling Norm has changed everything. The moment I fell in love was when he gently brushed his huge tentacle across my sweaty brow, and when he introduced me to his 10,000 relatives I knew I had found my true life partner. I know people may wonder how I could get together with a vile, ugly, unclean, hissing cannibal, but to be fair, my relationship with Simon Cowell was over years ago, darling. Incidentally, he has expressed his congrats already, and is paying for the honeymoon, which we will be spending in John Prescott's kitchen, underneath the cooker.'

Fellow contestants were less than impressed upon hearing the happy news. 'Corrie's' Sean, aka actor Antony Cotton said:

'I'm ruddy fuming. There she was, all the time kicking up a fuss, and bringing back sod all in the way of stars from the trials, and all the while, back at camp, she's got a cockroach in her knickers! I mean you can't get closer to a bloody insect than that can you? If I ever see that conniving cow again, she'll be picking her teeth up off the ruddy floor.'

The couple's nuptuals are said to be taking place early next year, pending Sinitta's work commitments and visas for Norm's relatives, although Norm was quoted as saying 'if need be they will dodge the red tape and catch a ride into the country via Dannii Minogue's underwear suitcase.'

'Good Afternoon' magazine will be covering the wedding, which will be partially paid for via a sponsorship deal with 'Rentokil'.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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