Written by Jaggedone
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Topics: Santa, suicide

Sunday, 18 December 2011

image for Father Christmas jumps off the Forth Bridge!
He's dead!

Father Christmas, the real one, has committed suicide by jumping off of the Forth Bridge a week before the annual binge takes place. He left a suicide note attached to his shiny black boots.

He also requested that the RSPCA take care of Rudolph and the RSPCC take care of his dwarfs.

In the note he explained why he took his life, here are some of the reasons:

"Once upon a time we delivered our presents all over the world and on Christmas day we watched the children open them with beaming smiles, excitement, wide eyes and rosy-red cheeks.

"Nowadays they just rip open their parcels filled with iPods, cellphones, iPhones, Blackberries, etc, start to text, ping, internet, never smile, never say thank you, never look into your eyes and retreat into their own little, sad world.

"Parents give them everything, but really give them nothing so I've decided to stop because I can't stand watching our children becoming hi-tec zombies and that's just the 5 year-olds.

"Enough is enough and now I'm finishing it all so I've decided to jump into the icy waters of the Firth of the Forth and meet my maker!"

A spokesman for Father Christmas, a CEO from Coca Cola, gave the following statement:

"Father Christmas had passed his sell by date and there was only one way to get rid of him so we allowed him to jump and in the future we will use Fedex, DHL and UPS to deliver the presents instead, Merry Christmas one and all."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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