Hot, hot, hot off the press today is confirmation that French President Nicolas Sarkozy is to make a much anticipated appearance on British shores to star in panto this year. He will be appearing as head dwarf, 'Smelly' in 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarves' at the Shuttlecock Theatre, Skegness.
Panto director Julian Ham-Fancy waxed lyrical about Mr. Sarkozy's suitability for the coveted role. Shane Ritchie and the fat bloke from the Go Compare ads had been already been considered, but rejected.
' Darling, we just had to have him. Who else could fit the role so perfectly? He has all the pre-requisites: that certain French 'je ne se quoi', that marvellous artistic temperament and he is, and I say this with only respectful reference, a shortarse.' The role has been tweaked a smidge to accommodate him. 'Smelly' will be a french addition to the dwarves, and will become chief dwarf to mirror his real life role. He will be a garlic muncher, hence his character name. Sweeties, I can't tell you how thrilled I am!!'
Earlier reports were that the producers had been edging towards signing Angela Merkel to play the back end of a cow in 'Jack and the Beanstalk', but this total turnaround comes as a delight to Skegness residents.
45 year old Pete Snuff, manager of local fish, chips and gravy shop 'The Happy Cod' said:
'Eee this'll be a right little coup for Skegness. I've already ordered in a batch of frogs legs to mark the occasion. They'll be going in to the batter right next to the lemon sole. Business will be booming!'
Mr. Sarkozy is believed to be arriving in Skegness next week to begin rehearsals. He has reportedly been learning his lines during the recent EU summit in Brussels. On Wednesday, a slight gaffe was made when he mistook his lines for his speech and referred to EU leaders as his 'band of merry dwarves.'
One person who isn't quite as excited about the casting is vetoed star Shane Ritchie:
' French twat. What does he know about the Stanislavky method and full preparation for such a role? I already had me pointed hat and beard at the ready and have been speaking like Sasha Distel all week at home, getting into me character. Michael Portillo was lined up to stand in as Alfie Moon 'til I get back to Eastenders.'
The French premier will be accompanied by his wife Carla, who will be staying at local seafront B&B 'Tranquil Waters' under the management of Mrs. Edna Baggitt, the B&B'S landlady and part-time dominatrix.