Infamous comic, Ricky Gervais, has sworn to God that Jesus, his son, has spoken to him direct via the internet! Jesus has actually told Ricky off for claiming that he starved children whilst walking the planet because God only allows thin kids up there, they make better angels and eunuchs.
"Jesus was infuriated," claimed Ricky because Jesus said all children are welcome in heaven, fat or thin. Then Ricky countered Jesus by saying, "I thought the whole idea of believing in you and your dad was that you protected our children, fat or thin, and allowed them to live good and healthy lives?"
Jesus countered once more, "that's not funny Ricky, in fact if you continue to blaspheme before the Almighty, I'll turn you into a Muslim, sinner!"
Ricky then told Jesus to "flip off" because he doesn't believe in him anyway. Jesus, very angry, turned the other cheek and then left accompanied by several of his flock including his disciples who were busy playing FIFA 2012 and had Man United's Chicharito at centre forward off course.
The Archbishop of Canterbury has hog-washed Ricky's claims because he is the only person allowed to have direct contact with the Son of God so now Ricky has been banned from singing Christmas Carols in church this year, he smiled accordingly!