Written by Dr. Billingsgate
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Wednesday, 14 December 2011

image for Lindsay Lohan: Taxidermist To The Stars Claims He Mounted Her Like Marilyn Monroe
Lindsay Monroe

HOLLYWOOD - Taxidermist to the stars, Dr. Billingsgate, today released information regarding Ms. Lohan that has Hollywood atwitter. For good reason, it appears. Apparently the nude pictures of Lindsay that were supposed to be suppressed until the new edition of Playboy was put on sale, showed her made up (stuffed) to look like Marilyn Monroe in various displays of pink flesh.

Dr. Billingsgate, who claims to have a doctorate in Forensic Taxidermy from the prestigous LaFontaine College of Taxidermy located in the Cayman Islands, first gained international recognition for his life-like mounting of a Jackelope. The Jackelope, whose normal range is in western Nebraska and eastern Wyoming, looks like a very large jackrabbit with a rack of antelope horns growing between its ears.

Pictures of Dr. Billingsgate's Jackelope first appeared in the March 1949 edition of National Geographic. This edition was also the first to display bra-less maidens in a civilized magazine and was said to be the inspiration for Howard Hughes' invention of the up-lift bra to harness in the conspicuous cleavage of his girlfriend, Jane Russell.

Billingsgate, who is unusually loathe to hyperbolize his achievements, said that attempting to mount Lindsay to look like Marilyn Monroe was, "akin to making a silk purse out of a sow's ear."

"First of all, her legs didn't match. As you noticed in the pictures, the calf on her left leg was larger than the thigh of her right leg. When I asked her why she was so unsymmetrical, she said, 'that she lived on the side of hill, and her calf muscles had to counterbalance her thighs or she would roll down the hill.'

The good doctor ended the interview by saying, "I've mounted the best and I've mounted the worst. But Lindsay Lohan is no Marilyn Monroe."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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