Written by Ryan Inverso
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Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Last summer they inadvertently helped to treat cancer, along with erectile dysfunction. Now in the months following the release of Steel Panther's new album "Balls Out", a study is showing that infertility may be the next medical miracle brought forth by the heavy metal gods. This time in the form of fixing infertility in women.

Once again, the research is being done at the Petrucci Center for Musical Research, by Dr. James Bagadonas.

"After the breakthrough with "Feel the Steel" and Satchel's guitar tones, we were eagerly awaiting the release of "Balls Out" so that we could study the work and see if it had any effect on the human body." Bagadonas tells us. "We noticed that this time out it was the bass guitar vibrations of Lexxi Foxx that had a peculiar effect."

That effect we found out, was created by the tonal waves of Lexxi's bass in conjunction with the residual tones created by his long golden locks resting on the back of his guitar when he's playing. These tones stimulate the ovaries in women, causing infertile women to once again produce eggs, when they were previously unable to.

"We will see a new baby boom in the next few years thanks to Steel Panther and Lexxi's obsessive vanity" says Dr. Bagz. "Between helping older men get it up, and women getting knocked up, we should see the birth rate throughout the world increase exponentially." Expect the timing of this baby boom to coincide with the band's current world tour.

We caught up with Lexxi Foxx recently after a sold out show at The Theater of the Living Arts in Philadelphia. He had this to say about the study, "My bass and my hair help put babies in chicks stomachs? I thought my penis did that!"

Expect sales of "Balls Out" to skyrocket and the band to reach out to a new female demographic, straight laced prudish housewives who desperately want to get pregnant. "Yeah Motherfucker, our music is gonna take those uptight housewives and turn them into horny housewives, then I'll take them on a weenie ride after the show, oh yeeeaahhh." added lead singer Micheal Starr.

As a side note Drummer Stix Zadinia wanted to inform us that he also is helping with the problem of infertility. "Since I'm the drummer, and stay at the back of the stage at shows, I end up banging a lot of fat and ugly chicks that other guys normally wouldn't have sex with. They may not be infertile per se, but, I'm probably the only one fertilizing them if you know what I mean. Plus they get an extra treat 'cause my junk is bigger than Satchel's!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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