Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Saturday, 10 December 2011

image for The Attorney For The Department Store 'Black Friday Pepper Sprayer' States That Her Can of Pepper Spray Just Went Off Accidentally
A Porter Ranch police officer demonstrating the correct use of a can of pepper spray.

PORTER RANCH, California - Mikey Champ is the attorney representing the infamous Black Friday Pepper Sprayer who has now been identified by the entire U.S. news media as Elizabeth "Lizzy" Macias, 32.

Macias, who describes herself as a devoted shopaholic, has hired the services of Mr. Champ's law firm to defend her against the charges that she allegedly pepper sprayed 20 fellow shoppers at a Walmart in Porter Ranch, California.

The unfortunate incident took place on November 25, 2011, aka Black Friday, or as some refer to it Black Pepper Spray Friday.

Tequila Tallyho with Left Coast Mirror Magazine spoke with Ms. Macias, or "Pepper Spray Woman" as she has been nicknamed by the main stream press.

Miss Tallyho asked her what in the world she was thinking when she took her can of industrial pepper spray and sprayed 20 of her fellow Black Friday shoppers.

Ms. Macias said that first of all she wants the people of America to know that she is not this evil, clandestine-type, witch who just goes around haphazardly pepper spraying people for no valid reason.

Tallyho told her that there were many statements from many witnesses who said that she was reaching for an Xbox 360 Game Console when someone just barely nudged her.

Macias then allegedly reached in her purse and took out an orange Tic Tac. She then reached in her purse a second time and this time she took out a red can of Pepper Spray.

A witness who was lying on the ground directly between Macias's legs said that "Pepper Spray Woman" screamed out to the crowd for everyone to get the friggin eff back.

But due to the fact that everyone was packed like a bunch of Massachusetts sardines there was no way for anyone to move back so she just started spraying the customers who were yelling and screaming and dropping Xbox 360 Game Consoles, Justin Bieber CDs, Monster High Dolls, Crayola Crayon Makers, Fijit Friends Interactive Toys, and boxes of Hostess Twinkies.

Macias shook her head and said that was not the way it had happened.

Tallyho told her to explain. Macias said that as she was being pushed her purse suddenly got lodged between her cleavage. She said that as she tried to get one of her hands free to get the purse out of her cleavage the purse suddenly somehow became dislodged and the purse fell.

Macias paused and said that as soon as the purse hit the floor the can of pepper spray fell out and the on-off nozzle was pushed to the on position and the can started spraying pepper spray at the throng of people.

Macias said that she dove behind a clearance bargain CD bin that had Madonna CDs priced at 75 cents.

She remarked that shortly afterwards a short stocky store employee identified as employee #710987351 picked her up with the help of three male customers and they told her that they were going to hold her for the police. Immediately Macias broke free and made a beeline dash for the exit doors.

Tallyho revealed the employee's names as Chester Cricketfield who chased Macias for about 200 yards but he finally had to stop after he stepped on a great big wad of pink bubblegum that some little kid had spit out on the parking lot.

And so now Lizzy Macias known as "Pepper Spray Woman" has attained the legal services of an attorney and she is claiming that the pepper spray can simply went off accidentally.

SIDENOTE: Mikey Champ says that his client is seriously thinking about suing the department store giant on grounds that they made item sales that were so amazingly fantastic that they attracted an element of society that will push, shove, kick, and even bite fellow customers in order to get at the sale-priced items.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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