Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 7 December 2011

image for X-Factor Cast-Off Drew Ryniewicz, 14, Is Still Extremely Devastated and Is Now Contemplating Suing Simon Cowell
A picture of Drew Ryniewicz that appeared on www.lotsofteardrops.cry and which has been viewed over 19 million times.

CHINO VALLEY, Arizona - Drew Ryniewicz is back home in Chino Valley, Arizona and she is still upset at having been eliminated from X-Factor.

The little, bitty, skinny, 14-year-old singer met with Sangria Wine of TV ClickerWorld and had a nice chat. Drew said that Simon Cowell (her mentor) has called her, texted her, and emailed her a total of 51 times and she has not responded.

Miss Wine asked her why not and the little songstress said because she is still furious at him for having cost her a shot at the $5 million X-Factor first prize.

Drew stated that even though people say you should never count your chickens before they hatch she had done so because her particular religion does not believe that eggs actually come from chickens so therefore the chicken idiom is pointless, moot, and has no place in her daily routine.

Drew noted that she stressed to simple Simon (as she calls him) that she did not want to sing the Michael Jackson song "Billy Jean" because it was a song about a guy saying that he is not the father of young girl's baby.

She said that her religion does not allow for songs about unwed couples, extramarital mattress frolicking, or product placement as it pertains to songs, movies, or television situation comedies.

Drew also stated that she hated the idea of sitting in a dumb stupid ass chair. She told Simon that the only singers who sit in chairs are real fat singers. [NOTE: DEAR READER, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO INSERT YOUR OWN CHOICE FOR A FAT SINGER HERE - THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR PARTICIPATION].

Drew pointed out that Simon "The Duke of Disdain" told her that he knows everything and he had a feeling that the American people would think that having Drew sit in a plain simple Walmart chair would be one of the most creatively amazing ploys in the history of television reality music shows.

Drew said that the idea bit the T-shirt wearing freak in his bloomin, blimey, blithering, British butt.

And as a result Drew said that her parents Mr. and Mrs. Ryniewicz have attained the services of noted California attorney Gloria Allred and they will most probably be filing a second-degree mishandling of a talented performer lawsuit.

SIDENOTE: Simon Cowell was asked to comment on Drew's remarks and he replied that he will never again help her and that she will now be lucky if she is even asked to perform at a Special Two Burgers For The Price of One Promotion at a local Burger Vixen in Chino Valley.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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