Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Saturday, 3 December 2011

image for Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber, and Taylor Swift Give Eliminated X-Factor Singer Drew Some Pointers On How To Succeed In The Music World
Drew says that the reason she usually performs barefoot is because she only has one pair of shoes (shown in photo).

HOLLYWOOD - Drew Ryniewicz, 14, was eliminated from the latest edition of X-Factor along with hip hop rapper Astro.

Drew spoke backstage with Margarita Mixx of The Tinsel Town Times Tribune and said that she cried more during her last appearance on X-Factor than she had in her entire 14 years.

She said that includes the time in the second grade when she received a D minus in spelling, the time her pet homing pigeon Birdy Boy flew away, and the time her pet dog Ruffles ate her Britney Spears CD Oops!...I Did It Again.

Miss Mixx asked Drew if she in anyway blamed her mentor Simon Cowell, alias "The Baron of Bitterness" for her having been eliminated.

Drew made a face and nodded that she did. She said that she told Mr. Simon that she did not want to sing the Michael Jackson song "Billy Jean" because it was an extremely sad song, but that "Mr. T-Shirt" had insisted.

Drew, added that it was also simple Simon's idea for her to sit in that stupid Walmart chair. She said she told him that everyone else was going to perform with backup singers, backup dancers, a backup band, jugglers, magicians, a fortune teller, a laser show, pyrotechnics, a Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Circus elephant, flying doves, confetti, and X-Factor T-shirts being fired from T-Shirt cannons.

But she said that dumbass Simon (her word) told her that it was all just a bunch of circus type antics that were designed to take the focus away from the singing.

Drew said that she felt like all of the other singers were being mentored by P.T. Barnum, the world's greatest showman and she was being guided by that Arkansas hillbilly Pa Kettle.

Miss Mixx asked about the phone calls she had received after the show. Drew perked up and her tears stopped flowing. She said that Lady Gaga had called and told her that she has a fairly nice voice but that she really needs to get a gimmick.

Lady Gaga suggested that Drew start performing wearing some kind of outlandish costumes. When Drew asked her such as what. Gaga said that she could start off dressing as a Hostess Twinkie and then she could work her way up by dressing up as Jack-In-The-Box hamburger, a Pizza Hut Pepperoni Pizza, and eventually she could dress up as a complete salad bar.

Drew revealed to Mixx that Justin Bieber had told her to find a way to stop crying so much. He told her that tears end up getting into her mouth and then she will have a very hard time singing because her tongue will be all salty and it will affect her ability to hit the higher notes like the G sharps and the E sharps.

Drew said that Taylor Swift called her and told her that she reminds her of herself when she was 14, except that she was a whole lot taller, her voice was a whole lot better, and she did not cry anywhere near as much as she did, even the time when she broke a guitar string while performing at The Cheddar Cheese Convention Center in Green Bay, Wisconsin, and the sting hit her on her left ear causing it to bleed for about four minutes.

Drew told Margarita Mixx that she is very thankful to Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber, and Taylor Swift for their professional input. She says that she has already been asked to appear on The View, The Ellen DeGeneres Show, and Growing Up Kardashian.

Margarita Mixx asked Drew Ryniewicz if she was planning on changing her very unusual name. Drew smiled and innocently said that she kinda likes the name Drew so she'll be keeping it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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