Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Friday, 2 December 2011

image for X-Factor Is Down To The Final Five as Astro and Drew Are Eliminated
A lock of hair that Drew gave to her mentor Simon Cowell before she left the building.

HOLLYWOOD - The "Singing Seven" became the "Final Five" as Michael Jackson Week on X-Factor saw two of the teen contestants leave the music show.

Hip hop Brooklyn rapper Astro, aka Brian Bradley, 15, was the first to go as he was the one that had the least amount of viewer votes.

Fajita San Guacamole with Hollywood Innuendo stated it was really no surprise as the little hip hopper that had been nicknamed "Little Kanye" demonstrated that he had quite a bad attitude two weeks ago when he became extremely angry at finding himself in the bottom two.

Astro was so mad that he took the microphone away from X-Factor Host Steve Jones and said "Hey, yo, yo, yo, lissen up y'all, I does not wants ta sing fa no peoples dat duzzn't want me ta be singin for y'all and furrmore, right now I be one pissed off little son-of-a-y'all know what."

Simon Cowell, aka "The Viceroy of Venom" hollered out at Astro to stop being disrespectful to the viewers, the judges, his fellow contestants, his mom, President Obama, Oprah Winfrey, and the Los Angeles Lakers.

Astro hollered back at Cowell telling him that he needed to get his sorry ass back to England and take Piers Morgan and Ricky Gervais with him. He paused for a moment, gained his composure and replied that female Brits Sharon Osbourne and Cat Deely could stay.

And so finding themselves in this weeks bottom two were Drew Ryniewicz and Marcus Canty. And right away Drew who is only 14, started crying.

Simon tried to comfort her but he only made it worse because it was him who had insisted that she sing that extremely sad song while sitting in that cheap ass Walmart chair.

Paula Abdul had commented that it looked like Drew was appearing on X-Factor - Costa Rica or some other third world X-Factor.

Nicole Scherzinger, of the Pussycat Dolls, remarked that she was surprised that Simon did not have little Drew sitting on the floor wearing a loincloth and sitting on a Navajo Indian blanket.

Drew continued crying and ended up making such a large puddle of teardrops that during the commercial one of the stagehands had to bring out a mop and bucket and mop up the tears before someone slipped and sued the hell out of the show.

Drew and Marcus then sang their head-to-head songs. Drew had a hard time singing as she had to stop a total of seven times to wipe her tears and six times to blow her nose.

She managed to get through the song which no one really had any idea what song it was.

Marcus came out and sang his song with wild abandon. He did a fantastic job and at the end he did an unassisted triple somersault which Judge L.A. Reid said would put circus aerialists to shame.

The judges voted. Simon Cowell, Drew's mentor, voted for her of course, but L.A., Nicole, and Paula all voted for Marcus.

Drew was led off the stage followed by two custodians with mops and Marcus went crazy with joy hurdling the judges table and doing 16 somersaults in a row.

In a related story. Ling Chow Rangoon with iRumors said that Simon Cowell felt so bad that he reportedly wrote out Drew a check for $200, he gave her a $50 gift certificate to Pizza Gal Restaurant, and presented her with a personal autographed T-shirt.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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