Written by John Lombard
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Thursday, 24 November 2011

Mickey Clemens, a Chicago high school history teacher, considers facial reconstruction surgery as a means to, "Finally show the world I'm not [Rick] Moranis!"

The surgery would leave Clemens looking more like, "a proud, yet disenfranchised Fred Armison."

Mickey took me on a walk throughout the Lincoln Park DePaul Campus.

"I bet we won't make it half way across this campus without somebody either asking for an autograph or telling me they wanted to see a Little Giants 2."

When nobody stops Mickey, he begins performing quotes from Spaceballs and other memorable Moranis movies.

"I swear, this is an off day! Most of the time I've got people every five minutes coming up to me! How's Billy Murray to work with? Are you Rick Moranis? I don't know...it's hard to handle. Sometimes, being Rick Moranis is just too much! I don't know how Rick Moranis does it!"

I ask Mickey if the surgery is necessary, or if perhaps a hat or change of hairstyle would solve his dilemma. He claims it is the only option, that, "It is time for Clemens to be Clemens."

Mickey and I walked for a solid hour that day. As I was saying my goodbyes, an older man walked by and proclaimed, "Why'd you kill the plant, Seymour? Go back to where you came from!"

"I'm not Rick Mora-"

Mickey stopped mid-word, slouched his shoulders and said, "The Vegetable must be destroyed." Clemens nodded his head and walked away.

I later researched Clemens' final words. They were a quote from a popular movie musical starring Rick Moranis.

I plan to follow up with Clemens to find if surgery was actually sought out and if so, did it help his life for the better?

Mickey tells me he plans to pay for the surgery by charging money for Moranis autographs.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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