The showbiz universe was rocked to its very foundations this evening as revelations surfaced that Worthing based lothario and viagra addict, Alf Starling (Aged 104 today - Happy Birthday Alf!) had retired for an early night, after consuming what appeared to be a dodgy whelk, at south coast kebab, pizza, and burger entrepreneur, Ali Bullo's Worthing Cockles Mussels And Whelksarama van on Worthing seafront.
Alf, en route to a VIP night out at Thongchap's in London's Leicester Square, apparently came down with a case of gypy tummy after consuming a dodgy whelk, and retired home to his bed instead of catching the 19:13 to London Victoria.
Demi Moore was apparently furious.
Jennifer Aniston was reported to be apopleptic.
Goldie Hawn was said to be unpretentious, although still somewhat regal, if not royal.
Probably the most balanced view of events came from Ghurka championing, mad knifewoman, Joanna Lumley, out of Ab Fab and The New Avengers, who said:
"It's terribly disappointing that Alf can't make it," Bolly swigging Patsy told reporters. "But never mind - there's always The Dorking Review bash at The Coal Hole in the Strand on the 3rd of December. I may well be lucky and receive a tradesman up the back door whilst crouched over the prow of a barge. Or something."
Starling's great-great-great grand-daughter, Drusilla, the queen of the dessert, said:
"I'm sure he didn't mean it. He just ate a dodgy whelk. I told him not to, but he's a bit of a bugger for a nice whelk. What can you do?"
Drusilla is currently engaged full time in making arrangements for Alf Starling's 105th birthday, which will be held in Amsterdam. It seems she is currently conducting internet reasearch looking for a Queen Victoria look alike who smokes spliffs and isn't averse to filming the odd porno sequence.
Although nobody seems quite sure why.
More as we get it.