Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Sunday, 20 November 2011

image for Chelsea Handler Denies The Rumors About Her and Avowed Lesbian Melissa Etheridge
Chelsea Handler has stated that she is straight and is not even remotely gay. (Photo by Jodie Foster).

HOLLYWOOD - Chelsea Handler, of E Network's Chelsea Lately was spotted taking a tour of Madame Tussauds Hollywood Wax Museum.

An unidentified museum goer later spoke with Carolina Chipotle of Bedroom Pillow Talk and revealed that she noticed that Miss Handler seemed to spend a lot of time staring at the wax figures of Jane Lynch, Sara Gilbert, and Wanda Sykes, all self-described lesbianites.

The unknown museum goer who refused to give her name stressed that Chelsea was allegedly making moaning type sounds as she stared intently at the three particular wax figures.

She also spent quite a lot of time looking at the wax figure of noted lesbian singer Melissa Etheridge who has had hits with songs such as "Come To My Window," "Come To My Closet," "Similar Features," and "I Love It When My Girl Yodels In The Canyon."

Chipotle later convinced the unknown museum goer to reveal her name in exchange for a $100 gift certificate to The Lips of The Dastardly Dragon Restaurant.

Chiffon Wheatmoon, 26, of Van Nuys told Chipotle that she is actually a big fan of Chelsea Handler's and that one day last week she had seen her down at the Santa Monica Pier and her and Melissa Etheridge were holding hands and feeding each other popcorn using only their tongues.

Wheatmoon says she knows it sounds unbelievable but later that evening when she got home she tried it with her roommate and after about five tries they were able to do it with very little problem.

Miss Chipotle contacted Miss Handler, who confided to her that she had only recently broke up with her boyfriend Andre Balazs [Pronounced: AN-DRE BA-LA-ZA-VIN-O-VICH].

Chipotle said that Handler stressed that she will not deny that she has had fantasies about Lady Gaga, Britney Spears, and Cheryl Cole but that she has never really ever thought about actually doing the horizontal hula with any female, no matter how beautiful, sexy, or rich as hell she may be.

Chelsea Handler wanted Miss Chipotle to let her viewers know that she still prefers a Ball Park Frank to a Dunkin Donut.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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