Just in - like a man with a button mushroom penis - the ent and goss rumour mill is insistent that Home Secretary, Theresa May, is to fly out to join Ant and Dec in the jungle as a hurried replacement for allergy challenged, short arsed, pot-bellied, soon to be a father, Scouse funnyman Freddie Starr.
"We've got to do something to get shot of her," admitted a man who would only identify himself as 'Do Nothing Dave'. "Let's be perfectly clear about this - she's a pain in the fucking arse."
Theresa May, who has taken the British political system by storm since she came to power - by vowing to solve the conundrum of rising crime by decimating police service numbers, wearing a really shit Thunderbirds style coat at several high level cabinet meetings, invariably thinking herself the belle of the ball, as opposed to a Lily Savage look a little likey, and then leaving herself open to rebuttals and the virtual accusation of being a liar, by Brodie Clark, head of the UK Border Agency, who accused her of destroying a 40 year reputation in two days - has otherwise put in an impeccable shift.
Preventing the riots in her capacity as a government minister in August, and generally proving a runaway success in alienating just about everybody.
"I'm confident she'll do a sterling job," Freddie Starr said, as he boarded a plane home. "And good luck to her. She'll need it."
The man known only as 'Do Nothing Dave' told reporters:
"She needs a break. The further away the better. She can't possibly do much damage eating witchetty grubs, kangaroo bollocks and koala bear arseholes."
"Don't you kid yourself," uttered Theresa May enigmatically as she boarded a plane bound for Sydney. "I've got my sights set on Fatima Whitbread, and I plan to discuss security arrangements at Luton airport with Lorraine Chase. I'm not quite sure where Lionel Blair fits into it all, and I'll have him too. But not in a John Major-Edwina Currie way. Tikka Masalla's a bit mild for me. Has that bird with the big tits gone? I could outwit her in an argument."
Tara Palmer Tomkinson declined to comment.
More as we get it.