Written by Skoob1999
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Topics: Taylor Lautner

Thursday, 17 November 2011

image for Buff Taylor Lautner Rips His Shirt Off 0.0 Seconds Into Breaking Dawn - Director Blames TSA Patdowns
A Valet Waits To Clean Up At Tommy Timpson's Drive In At The Twilight Premiere In Tucson Arizona

Previews have revealed that buff hunk Taylor Lautner wastes no time in tearing his shirt off in the latest instalment of the Twilight franchise, Breaking Dawn, Part One.

Revealing his superbly toned torso.

The movie's director, Bill Condon, made excuses for the Lautner scene via his media secretary, Jamal Dunjammin, by explaining that US audiences didn't have the time or inclination to fanny about with preamble, and preferred to cut to the chase - like the TSA - with their interminable fucking patdowns.

"You have to give the kids what they want," Jamal said. "And if that means Taylor ripping his shirt off then so be it. Our audience demands rapid gratification - they just buy this stuff on DVD and fast forward through the boring parts, like dialogue and characterisation, to get to the nitty gritty. The tease doesn't exist any more - the public don't have time for that crap. They all want TSA scanners so they can see people naked - X-Ray Spex and all that shit. Essentially, what we're doing is supplying the demand for "the zipless fuck" as Erica Jong described it in her novel 'Fear Of Flying' - that's the way of the world these days. People don't have the time to screw around with foreplay any more. They want instant gratification."

According to the latest Sunset and Vine rumour, the next big thing in Hollywood is going to be something called 'Nostalgic Sex' - which according to sources, will involve 1950's teens having sex in the back seat of 57 Chevy's - wearing bobby sox and team baseball jackets.

But little else.

"There's a huge market out there for that shit!" Jamal enthused. "Grease was 20 years after the event, now we're talking 50 years after the event. There's a whole lot of sad old wankers out there who'll really lap this shit up."

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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