VENICE BEACH - Lindsay Lohan was sitting in her backyard at her Lindsay Lohan Land mansion when she got a phone call from a media reporter.
Lohan, who recently served five hours of a 30 day prison sentence, was wearing a skimpy yellow bikini swimsuit as she ate Napa Valley grapes while reading the latest self-help book, How To Safely Remove Hundreds of Freckles From Every Part Of Your Body Including Your Hooha.
The call was from Pia Confetti, who is a reporter for the El Lay Informer. Confetti asked Lindsay if she could please clear up some rumors about her that had been making the rounds.
LiLo replied that he would be glad to set the record straight. Confetti asked her if she was still required to wear her electronic ankle bracelet monitoring device.
Lohan replied that she was not but added that she never was really concerned about it since she had talked to several hardcore female convicts who were serving time at The Zsa Zsa Gabor Prison For Women and they told her how she could circumvent the electronic monitoring system with the simple use of a paper clip, a little bit of cilantro, a magic marker, and a crouton.
Confetti then asked her if she was watching her trans fat consumption. Lohan replied that she was but that once in a while she would do a David Crosby and not really give a damn.
Lohan was then asked about the fad that started on the Left Coast which is known as Vodka Tamponing.
LiLo shook her head. She said that she had heard about it and that one of her very close friends had actually done it. But she pointed out that she is not really a big fan of taking alcohol by way of her crotch cookie or even her wazoo and much perfers the good old-fashioned through the mouth method.
And speaking of cookies, November 18, is National Bake Some Cookies That Look Like Intimate Body Parts Day except in the conservative states of Iowa, Kansas, Missouri, and Montana.