Written by Peter Stevenson
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Wednesday, 9 November 2011

image for Frankie Cocozza's drug stash seized: It's just sherbet
At his worst Frankie apparently had up to 20 lines of sherbet a day.

X-Factor producers have re-instated disgraced contestant Frankie Cocozza after a police report concluded that the 400g of white powder found in his possession was in fact sherbet.

The beehive-sporting party animal apparently had no idea that he has been snorting copious amounts of the confectionery, and not cocaine. "Jesus, what an absolute fucktard," said one anonymous X-Factor producer.

"Even my dead Grandma can tell the difference between coke and sherbet. Anyway, we've decided that we should bring him back to X-Factor - that is if the genius isn't too 'high' on dib-dabs to find his way here."

The story has led to suspicions that Cocozza, 11, may have been lying about other aspects of his "wild" lifestyle. Specifically, the tattoos on his buttocks that list the names of seven girls Frankie has allegedly slept with have been brought into question.

"It might blow people's minds, but stating something via a tattoo on your arse doesn't make it actual fact," continued the producer. "If it did, then he should really write 'I look like a raped hedgehog' on there."

Despite his return to X-Factor, high street chain Marks and Spencers will still be dropping the wannabe star from their Christmas ad campaign. "It's nothing to do with his behaviour," said an M&S source.

"It's his singing. Seriously man, I threatened to kill myself in protest. Does no one else notice he groans on like someone on life support trying to take a shit?"

Although grounded by his mum for the rest of the week, Frankie will make a public apology when he returns to the singing show next week.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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