HOLLYWOOD-Blockbuster ABC television's Extreme Makeover producers have exhausted all their likely suspects here in the US, so they've taken their show on the road. Yes, they're going international…across the pond…to the next most obvious ‘screaming for it' victim: FRANCE!! The idea of going to Great Britain was briefly kicked around. Lord KNOWS they could use a good going over. But, since the erstwhile Englanders are our battlefield bosom buddies and are watching our backs (so they say) in Iraq, they were given a pass, at least for the time being.
So what if the French have nude beaches and are associated with toast, fries, post cards and ticklers. There's more to self-respect than just THAT!!
No, the pretentiously pompous Parisians were without question the singular unanimous choice. Suffice it to say they were absolutely irresistible. Not only does France more than fill the bill for having the greatest number of things that need improving than any other significantly substandard cultural/political/population on planet Earth. But France can use some positive publicity for more than their glorified grape juice, for Pierre's sake! And they're not zeroing in merely on one or a handful of ‘em. They're taking on France as a hole…er, whole!
You'd have thought the Bush administration would have at least sought advice from the cosmopolitan cosmotological correctors before bursting into Iraq like a veritable bull in a China closet, with no regard for how it might look to the rest of the world. I mean, come ON, it was bad enough that those horrid costumes were devastatingly warlike. And the accessories, well, shoot, they were lethal in more ways than just one. Ah, but I digress…
The team of Tinseltown televisionaries includes flaming fashion fanatics from every conceivable correctable category. They're all atitter over the possibilities of redoing not one, but every, ‘French Mistake.' Though they're hush-hush on down-and-dirty details of their American ambush agenda, it's not hard to imagine. Face it, it's not like they haven't had their work cut out for them for centuries!
Oh, won't it be just peachy to waltz into Paris and not be shocked by hairy feminine armpits and calves?! And what a breath of fresh air once they discover the wonders of deodorant, toothpaste and laundry detergent. Mingle that with a few lessons on how not to talk through their noses and sound like oinking pigs. Roll into the total package teaching them to think with their brains and not their derrières to not only make them better people but much more mindful of the world around them.
For all their hopes and expectations, Extreme Makeover is not expecting miracles. In fact, if all else fails, they're planning on giving France a taste of its own medicine-literally! They'll convince them that it's chic to drink their fancy perfume and not just sprits themselves with it. That way, it's for sure they'll all "toot sweet."[