In yet another dull showbiz leak, insiders (It's always fucking 'insiders' isn't it?) insist that X-Factor singing sensation Cher Lloyd is to sing a duet with TheSpoof.com's very own Martin Shuttlecock, in the prestigious 'guest slot' on the ailing TV show this evening.
Cher Lloyd said that she'd been inspired by Shuttlecock's seldom viewed YouTube uploads of him singing 'Oh Mister Porter' and 'Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life' and became convinced when she saw Shuttlecock, in a state of extreme relaxation, (Pissed - Ed) garbed up in a bizarre Halloween wig and enough make-up to make Lily Savage blush - looking and sounding somewhat akin to a grotesque cross between Alice Cooper and Martin Clunes, except without the big ears, that she became convinced that Shuttlecock would be the ideal foil for a duet of 'Don't Go Breaking My Heart' as immortalised by Elton John and Kiki Dee in the land before time forgot.
"This guy is amazing," Cher Lloyd enthused. "He's like some kind of hybrid of Marilyn Manson, Johnny Rotten, Alice Cooper, Gene Symonds, Noel Gallagher and John Prescott all rolled into one! He's amazing! I can't wait!"
Anne Shuttlecock, long suffering wife of Martin, told reporters:
"I doubt he'll show up. For one thing, he's got a minging hangover, and for two things - I doubt he'd ever share a stage with a woman who's at least six inches taller than him. He's funny like that. Being a dwarf and that. For a third thing - if he knows what's good for him, he won't go cavorting about on a stage with a woman young enough to be his daughter. He knows I'd fucking kill him."
More as we get it.